This is a total departure from what is usually posted here, but since it’s such a compelling testimony posted by one of the FAM members in the private section of our site, and one I’m certain many standing for marriage restoration can relate to and learn from, I requested permission to remove name and date references, so it could be posted here. Praise the Lord for this woman’s humility and her faithfulness and obedience in sharing her testimony with the sincere hope that it will help keep others from making the same mistakes she made. We can ALL learn an awful lot from her painful testimony, which I’ll use the response section of the site to address in more detail later. I hope others will encourage her as well, by letting her know how much we appreciate her willingness to expose herself in such a way, finally tearing away whatever pride there was left in her. Thank you, L, and may the Lord bless you in a special way for using the word of your testimony to defeat the works of the devil, and I pray most especially for the restoration of your marriage.

To all standers, I want to share my story about how my pride caused me to sin greatly. I am twenty-five years old, and my husband walked out on our marriage four months ago. During this time of great difficulty and pain, I sought our Lord and Savior for help, and I started attending church with a friend and started standing for the restoration of my marriage. As a ‘New Christian,’ I was not sure of what this meant, nor was I aware of God’s promises, as stated in the Bible. I was a very prideful, self-centered, selfish and arrogant woman, but God broke me from many of these sinful characteristics when my husband walked out, or so I thought.

I prayed faithfully for God to bring my husband home on or before June 3rd. Why June 3rd? Well, one of my very close friends was to be married on that day, and that would be the first time I attended such a grand event without my husband. None of our friends, except for a handful of them, were aware of our separation, and I could not bare the ‘HUMILIATION’ that came with being separated from my husband. But I began to grow weary as the date was nearing. my prayer partners always made it clear that God would give me what I asked for, so long as it was in accordance with his word. They also told me that everything would be done in God’s time, but I did not pay much attention to the second part of what they said. In my head, I had asked God to bring my husband home on or before June 3rd, but that did not happen. I was slowly becoming very resentful towards God, and deep down inside I did not want to pray, because God had not answered my prayer. Then, I asked God to bring my husband home by the following weekend, because we had another wedding to attend. Originally, my husband and I were supposed to be part of the wedding party; we were asked to be maid of honor and best man, but with the split, we thought it best not to accept that invitation. In my head, the wedding on the following weekend would be even harder to attend, because all of our friends that attended our wedding almost three years earlier, would be there, and they would know that we were no longer together. I prayed to God, to give me strength to face everyone. I especially prayed that he’d give me strength not to cry when I saw my husband.

Since the separation and prior to the weddings, my husband and I had seen each other and had lunch together a few times. I could not understand why the man who told me he no longer loved me, and felt he had made a mistake in marrying me, would get teary eyed any time I apologized for having taken him for granted and hurting him so much. When we initially saw each other after the separation, he said he could not forgive me, and he was not willing to give us a second chance. But later we’d see each other again and we’d laugh like we’d never laughed before, and we’d spend hours talking on the phone. Then he’d do a complete 180 degree turn, and would stop calling and decline my lunch or dinner invitations. I was becoming so frustrated and couldn’t comprehend why he couldn’t accept the fact that he still loved me and should give us a second chance. I figured if he would accept his fault in the relationship, we could go to counseling and everything would be ok. WRONG. Upon the advice of my prayer partners, I stopped calling him, because our conversations began getting heated, and my husband and I were hurting each other even more. Therefore, upon their recommendation, I gradually pulled back and allowed God to take over, SO I THOUGHT. My husband and I would have one good evening together, so I’d expect him to call me the next day, or I expected him to realize he wanted to come home. But instead, I heard nothing from him. Jealousy, rage and anger began to sink in, and as much as I wanted to trust God, I had not let go, and did not know how. Just as many of you have doubts about whether or not you should stand for your marriage, I had those same thoughts. So I prayed to God, and gave him my “official” prayer request. The week of the June 10th wedding, I prayed to the Lord, I said “God, if you want me to stand for my marriage, and you’re the God that everyone says you are, let something miraculous occur at the wedding. Have my husband ask me to dance, and let us spend an awesome night together, and although we’re going separately, may we depart together. May he tell me that he loves me. All I ask you, God, is for a sign, an unshakable sign, letting me know that I need to stand for this marriage.”

Well, getting back to the wedding…I forgot that God is God, and he doesn’t play by our rules. He has his own plan and purpose. And two nights before the wedding, I was having dinner with the bride and groom to be. The groom informed me that my husband had sent him a text message, asking him if he could take a date to the wedding. (Prior to that evening, I was aware that my husband had been seeing another woman; the extent of the relationship between them was unknown). But now, here I was, sitting at my dinner table, being informed by my two good friends that my husband was moving on, and that he had the nerve to ask if he could take this other woman to their wedding. I could handle knowing that there was a third person involved, but having that information exposed to outsiders was unbearable. My pride took over. How dare he? To me this was the last straw; his last slap in the face. It was not enough that he dared to walk out on our marriage? I was livid! So I asked the groom to tell my husband not to take a date, and he agreed. But behind the scenes, I had to cover it on my end; I had to prepare myself for the unthinkable, seeing him at the wedding with a date. Thus, I practically begged one of my co-workers to please show up at the wedding; just in case my husband showed up with a date…he would pretend to be mine, and he agreed.

The night before, and the morning of the wedding, I prayed, for God to give me the strength and grace I needed to carry through the night and not cry. But honestly, I did not feel the peace I had felt before. I was going to show my husband that I no longer mourned his departure and I was determined to have a good time, and that no one would see me sad that evening. I honestly felt it was God’s strength that pulled me through, but I later realized it was my pride.

My husband didn’t show up at the wedding ceremony, but he did show up at the reception, with a male friend. By this time, I was to flared up; some of my friends were aware that he was seeing someone, and that hurt my pride. So when my husband came in, he said hi to some of our mutual friends sitting at the table in front of me. He saw me; I know he did, and one of my prayer partners said he was even staring at me. But he did not approach my table or say hello to me. In my eyes, this was an even greater slap in the face; how dare he! We had both agreed to be friends and keep things peaceful. I was livid! And because of my pride, I did not approach him all night; if he had not approached me, I was not going to approach him. I was not about to let people think I was begging him (PRIDE; the devil). Then, a few minutes after my husband walked in the room, my co-worker (my back-up date) walked in with his fine cousin. My prayer partner tried to warn me; she even asked me to trade seats with her so my husband would not think I was with the two guys. I said no, and I told her I could care less what he thinks, after all he was the one who had wanted to bring a date. She also scolded me for not wearing my wedding ring, but I told her it was pointless to wear it if my other half was not wearing his, thus making our marriage a lie. She was very upset, but I could care less. I was laughing, talking and having a good time with my co-worker, especially his cousin. She even brought it to my attention that he was “eyeing” me, and I said “SO…” and kept on talking to him; I was attracted by his appearance. He was clean cut, and wore the clothing I loved to see men wear. My co-worker had told me that his cousin was a great dancer, and that he would teach me to dance at the wedding, to which I agreed. According to my prayer partner, my husband could not stop staring at me, especially after those two good looking men sat next to me. I told her I had not noticed him staring, and I told her to stop telling me that, because I knew that he did not love me and he did not care what I did or did not do. Looking back at that night, I know my hubby was staring at me, wondering who those men were.

Do to a prior engagement, my co-worker and his cousin had to temporarily leave the wedding after dinner, but they both said they would be back when the dance started. I said ok, and they left, but did not come back. I kept dancing with other friends, and my husband was staring at me, but he didn’t approach me, and that got me even more upset. So I just said “FORGET HIM.” My prayer partner had to leave the reception, so I had no one else telling me how I should or should not behave as a stander, and I was not listening to the holy spirit; I was too upset and my anger and pride took over. My husband had to be carried out, because he was so drunk, but I did not care. I could not feel sorry for him; after all, he was the one that walked out, and this was what he wanted. My co-worker called at midnight and said he was sorry he was not able to make it back in time for the dance/reception, but I told him that was okay. Then his cousin got on the phone and asked if I was interested in going to a night club with them, so he could show me some of his moves, and I agreed to go. I was so upset that I could care less about my marriage, and in my head, since God had not answered my prayers, that meant that I didn’t have to stand for my marriage.

The guys came back to the hall, and my co-worker’s cousin asked if he could ride with me in my car so he could keep me company, and I said it was okay. My prayer partner called me to check up on me, because she knew I was upset, and I cried hysterically, and told her I was done standing for my marriage. I told her how God had not answered my prayers for that night, and that my husband truly did not love me, that it was all in my head. I told her God did not send me a sign. Therefore, it was not meant for me to stand for this marriage. She asked me if I was going home, and I said “Yes.” I lied. I wanted to go dancing, and I knew if I told her the truth, she would make me feel so guilty that I might not go. My co-worker’s cousin got in the car, and I dried my tears. He asked if I was okay, and I said “yes”, and that I didn’t want to talk about it.

This man was awesome; physically he was my type, and he knew how to dance. And we danced like I’ve never danced before. There was a connection, which I could not explain. He told me he was interested in me, and could care less if I had a husband, because if I was separated, in his eyes the commitment was non-existent. My husband never paid much attention to detail, so when this guy sat there and told me how fascinated he was by my physical features; how he had noticed how many rings I had on, and even which fingers they were on, he definitely got my attention. He went on and on, about the things about me that attracted him while we were sitting at the dinner table. We had a great time, an when he asked me if he could see me again, I said “Sure.”

The Monday after the wedding, my husband and I had lunch, and I basically told him that I was done with him, and I wanted a divorce, and he agreed. I told him I was seeing someone else, and would no longer wait for him, and he said that was okay. I even told him I had realized that I had made a mistake, and that I had never loved him the way he loved me, and apologized for not loving him the way he wanted me to love him. I was so ticked off, that at the time I did not care that his eyes got all watery when I told him that. I wished him the best. And he wished me the best, so I was on my way, and happy that I was now free to date.

I continued to talk on the phone with my co-workers cousin until we were finally able to meet in person again. At first we were suppose to meet for lunch, but he called to say that his plans had changed and he wanted to meet me for dinner instead. I said that was okay. He came to my place, and after we went to dinner, we came back to my place. I was so mad, and knew that my marriage was not going to be restored, so I thought it would be easy to be intimate with this man in order to forget my husband. After all, he was doing the same thing. I was lonely, and this guy told me everything I wanted to hear, and he was everything I had ever dreamed of in a man. I took the bate; I fell into Satan’s trap. Looking back now, I don’t know how I could have done such a thing. For weeks, I continued to talk to this guy on the phone, but I did not feel at ease. Even though I wanted to see him and go out with him, I couldn’t do it. I was becoming sadden for what I did. I felt awful for having betrayed my covenant with God.

Two weeks after the wedding, my husband and I met to take care of some bills, and we ended up having lunch and catching a movie together. By that time, I felt very remorseful, but I still wasn’t standing for my marriage. How could I after what I had done? But my walls of hate and resentment toward my husband came down, and during lunch, I cried and told him that I could no longer lie to myself or him. I told him how much I loved him, and I apologized for having betrayed our marriage vows, for allowing my pride and resentment to take over me. I confessed my sin and asked him to forgive me, but said I would not blame him if he couldn’t. He had no expression on his face, and said I should not feel guilty. After I had confessed my sin, I asked him about the girls he was seeing, and he told me they were just friends, and he had not slept with anyone else. I wanted to cry, because all this time when he had told me he was not sleeping around, he really wasn’t. I felt awful. I asked him how he had the nerve to ask if he could bring a date to the wedding. He looked right into my eyes and told me that he never had plans to take a female, that he only said it as a joke, because his “date” was going to be one of our male friends. Yeah, that was another low blow to my tummy! Our lunch started off terribly, with so many tears on my part, but God allowed us to end it with laughter and joy. We went to the movies, and he even hand fed me popcorn. I held his hand while walking to the car, and even though he said he felt weird about it, he did not let go of my hand. For the first time since he left our home, he initiated the good bye hug, and I felt his sincere forgiveness, he kissed my forehead and I kissed his cheek. We stood therefore a few seconds and just stared at each other, not wanting to leave, as if nothing had happened between us.

I felt like trash, and knew for sure he would never call me again, and our marriage would not be restored. Because of my sin, I stopped praying. I believed God would not honor my prayers, even though I had repented. Well, that was another lie from the pit of hell. Ladies, I honestly believe that this was a major test, which I failed horribly. I have gradually started praying again, and asked the Lord for encouragement, and I finally started seeing covenant transport trucks! And I specifically asked God to reveal to me how much my husband loves me on my birthday, which was last Friday. And I prayed for him to call or do something special for my birthday. And the Lord delivered in a mighty way. On that evening, the groom’s mother, who’s been praying for my marriage, called me out of the blue, to let me know that on June 10th, her brother-in-law had been talking to my husband at the wedding. Her brother-in-law did not know he was married and when he tried to pressure him to dance with some of the ladies at the reception, my husband told him he couldn’t because his wife was there. So the man asked him why he was not dancing with me, and he told him that we were separated. The man told him, “if you’re separated, then go dance with someone else.” My husband replied, “I can’t. The only woman I want to be with and dance with is my wife, whom I love.” I just about vomited, and I started feeling stomach pains, but I was also extremely excited. As I now remember the days prior to the wedding and the day of the wedding, I could not see all the positive signs God had sent me, because I had let my anger, and most of all my pride take over, including refusing to respond to calls or messages from my husband the day before the wedding, who I had been told was aware that I knew he had asked to bring another woman to the wedding and that I was livid. Now all I can do is sit back, and allow our Lord and Savior to take over, and mend all my wrong doings. Why didn’t the groom’s mom call me the day after the wedding, even two days after??? Only God knows. I honestly believe that I was tested, and I failed. Because if his mom had told me this the day after or two days after, I would not have slept with the other man. I believe God knew I was going to do that, and allowed me to learn the hard way that no matter what I see, hear or don’t see, he is working and everything happens when he wants it to happen, not us. Please ladies, keep your eyes on the Lord. Learn from my mistakes. My heart aches each day, knowing that I fell into this trap, and the guilt an adulteress has is enormous. I love my husband, and I pray daily, asking God to give him a forgiving heart.

One more thing, remember, that when the Lord asks us to stand, and our fleshy attitudes tell us otherwise, God WILL bring us back to do what he wants us to do one way or the other. Remember: WE WORK FOR HIM; HE DOES NOT WORK FOR US.

My love and prayers to all,
L

Posted Wednesday, July 5th, 2006 at 3:01 pm in Seeds Of Faith.