God Commands Us To Forgive AND Forget
Most everyone standing for marriage restoration knows and understands that deception is one of Satan’s most effective and destructive weapons, and that most of his plots and schemes to kill, steal and destroy us, our spouses and our families involve deception in one form or another. And even though it’s usually easy to recognize the specific form of deception he’s using in our spouses’ lives, it’s not quite so easy for us to recognize it in ours, because it’s a lot more subtle and we don’t understand its deadly and destructive power.
We’re probably all familiar with that old saying “I can forgive…, but I can’t forget.” or something similar, BUT the truth according to God, is that forgiveness means forgetting, and until or unless we forget, we have NOT forgiven. And even though forgiveness AND forgetting is extremely difficult, it’s VERY important, because our failure or inability to forgive our spouses, and even the NCP, can and will hinder our prayers and relationship with the Lord, and prevent the restoration of our marriages and the healing of our families. In fact, failure to forgive is SO serious that in Mark 11:20-25, the story of The Withered Fig Tree, in verses 24-25, right after saying faith moves mountains, Jesus said Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” Unfortunately, it’s not very often that we hear that Jesus said our faith could move mountains along with the “rest of the story”, which is that when we pray, if we hold anything against someone else, God will not forgive our sins.
The best known Bible verse concerning forgiveness is probably Matthew 6:12, where Jesus said Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. Yet, many people seem unaware that the measure of our forgiveness is linked to the way we forgive others, as Jesus stated even more definitively in Matthew 6:14-15, where He said For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Then in Matthew 18:21, in response to Peter’s question about how many times to forgive, Jesus told The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant, where verses 34-35 say In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.” So there is NO doubt that unforgiveness is a very serious matter to God! And Colossians 3:13 tells us to Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
It’s VERY important to understand and pay attention to the last part of that verse about forgiving others as the Lord has forgiven us, because that’s where forgetting comes in, as we see in Hebrews 8:12, which says For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” And how incredible it is that the Lord even tells us that He blots out and forgets our sins for HIS sake, as He does in Isaiah 43:25, which says “I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more. Even though I’ve always heard and understood that forgiveness does more for the person doing the forgiving than the one being forgiven, I never knew the Bible says the same thing applies when God forgives us! And that’s pretty AWESOME!
Since God commands us to forgive others as He forgives us, it’s important to learn everything we can about the nature and consequences of His forgiveness in order to apply what we learn to our relationships with our spouses and others, especially as a measure of whether or not we’ve really forgiven them. And there’s a lot to learn about that from the following verses.
Psalm 32:1-2 – Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit.
So as long as we’re trying to make our spouses “pay” for what they’ve done to hurt us, instead of doing what we can to bless them, we haven’t forgiven them, as confirmed in Hebrews 10:17-18, which says Then he adds: “Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more.” And where these have been forgiven, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin.
Micah 7:18 – Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.
So if we’re still angry and don’t DELIGHT in showing our spouses mercy, we haven’t forgiven them, as confirmed in Jeremiah 18:23, which says But you know, O LORD, all their plots to kill me. Do not forgive their crimes or blot out their sins from your sight. Let them be overthrown before you; deal with them in the time of your anger.
2 Corinthians 2:7-10 –Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him. The reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be obedient in everything. If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.
So when we really forgive our spouses, we comfort them instead of letting them be overwhelmed by shame and guild, and we reaffirm our love to them, which keeps the devil from outwitting us and the Lord is glorified, as confirmed in Jeremiah 33:7-9, which says I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before. I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me. Then this city will bring me renown, joy, praise and honor before all nations on earth that hear of all the good things I do for it; and they will be in awe and will tremble at the abundant prosperity and peace I provide for it.’
Now that we understand the Lord’s command, it is up to us to LEARN how to forgive and forget our spouses transgressions, which means casting them as far as the east is from the west like the Lord does for us in Psalm 103:11-12, which says For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. Since Satan wants to keep us from every blessing the Lord promises, he deceives us into thinking it’s not possible to forget and that we can forgive without forgetting, which we now know is a lie straight from the pit of hell. However, God never calls us to do something He doesn’t equip us to do. And the best practical way to learn to forgive and forget is to make a decision to start from this day forward with a clean slate (which we might have to do again every day for awhile) and make a very deliberate and intentional decision to ALWAYS give our spouses the benefit of ANY doubt when the opportunity presents itself. That’s VERY difficult to do in the beginning, but it does get easier each time, and the peace it brings is well worth the discipline it takes to force ourselves to do it. But it definitely means picking up our cross daily, crucifying our flesh and resisting our natural tendencies to rely and fall back on our pride and self defense mechanisms, but the Lord gives us a most awesome promise in 2 Chronicles 7:14, which says if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. And finally, Luke 6:38 is very often misquoted in terms of its context, because in context Luke 6:37-38 says “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” We just have to remember that in the end we are the ones who have the most to gain and benefit by forgiving AND forgetting, and when we trust the Lord and act in obedience to His word, we can rely on God’s promise in Psalm 37:4-6, which says Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. And we shouldn’t forget that it’s actually God’s name and reputation that’s put on the line when we make a decision and commitment to trust and obey; not ours!
Linda,
Thank you so much for that confirmation on forgiveness and forgetting.
Yes it’s easier said than done about forgetting, but God can help all of us forget. We just have to choose to allow God to work with us in that area.
In my situation, it seems almost a daily thing to forgive my husband. But as the scripture states, we are to forgive, and not 7 times but 7 times 70 (Matthew 18:22).
I ran across a file folder at work yesterday and I was shocked to read that I had written down quite a few things my husband had done that I could use in a court of law if he ever tried to take the kids from me. But the strange thing is I thought I had thrown that piece of paper away, because back in July, I felt so convicted about keeping track of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13: 5). I had even made a comment about not keeping track of wrongs to my husband last Saturday. Guess what I did. I shredded that paper. Not forgetting in our mind is actually keeping track of how they have wronged us, which in turn leads back to unforgiveness. I don’t need his wrongs. If I want my husband to forgive me, how can I not forgive him? I truly forgive him everyday for what he has done, what he is doing and what he is about to do if it’s not according to God’s will. Yes, some of it hurts. I admit that. But God is there to help me with my hurts. I would rather have a little hurt versus harboring the unforgiveness in me that will end up in bitter anger like it has done over the years. NOT WORTH IT! God is worth it!!! We need to forgive and forget for the sake of God and for the sake of our families.
Jenn
Jenn,
Many, many thanks for your response – it reminded me that I had my own “history of wrongs” on my computer, constructed several months ago at the very beginning when my husband left (before the Holy Spirit moved on me to STAND). I had completely forgotten I had prepared it, and it was there. The Lord clearly had to remind me, through your response, that it needs to be disposed of…
The Lord has given me such great forgiveness for my husband – and I praise Him for that. And, He’s been emphasizing the importance of the depth of forgiveness I should have (to the point of forgetting) over and over the past week. From Linda’s post, daily devotionals that have spoken of forgiving, and, most interestingly to a three-time airing of the same message (within the past week) on forgiving and forgetting on David and Barbara Cerullo’s Inspiration Today program. I don’t know if anyone else watches this show, but I’ve never seen anything like it – they have aired the same exact episode three times this week at 9 pm, it’s very odd… But, I’ve taken it as a sign from the Lord – in case I haven’t gotten the message, He’ll repeat it over, and over, and over again – FORGIVE AND FORGET.
God bless,
Jennifer
I just wanted to followup on this this morning. While reading online some of my devotions, the following scripture was given and it goes hand in hand with forgiveness.
Philippians 3:13 Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead.
We cant move forward until we forget the things in the past.
Jenn
WOW Ladies! You are awesome! It’s kind of funny that in such a small group as ours we have three Jennifers, but we do, and you two ladies are very special to me! Jennifer, you just keep finding great “stuff” to share with the other ladies and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that. So I will check out the program you mentioned and add a link to it…and I’d definitely have to agree that the Lord was trying to get that message across to you and probably a whole bunch of us right along with you!!! And, Jenn, what an awesome scripture to tie into this message! What insight the Lord gave you on that verse and how true it is! So, thanks again for sharing what the Lord showed you. I don’t think I’ll ever see that verse the same again! Love You Both, Linda
Hi Linda,
The Inspiration Today episode I mention is at this link to Atonement Dreams 9/6/06, with Pastor Steve Munsey. I thought perhaps you had seen it too, and it provoked your post – if not, I am even MORE blown away about how many times, and from different sources I am getting this message!!!
Love,
Jennifer
Hi Jennifer,
Like you, I probably heard bits and pieces of programs on forgiveness recently, but don’t specifically remember anyone talking about how it means we have to forget too, so really appreciated hearing the program you referred to! Christian programming is on at my house almost all of the time and I hear stuff in the back ground when I’m on the phone that sticks with me from time to time. But the main reason I wrote this is because it was the topic of conversations with some of the other ladies, and when something keeps coming up like that, I try to do a Bible study on it, which often leads me to write about it.. You’re on a roll though, because that’s the second program you’ve referred me to that I REALLY, REALLY appreciated! Thanks again! Isn’t it neat how the Lord is always so faithful to confirm the messages He wants us to get? Like I said in today’s post, it’s almost like He sends out some kind of fax! Of course, the other interesting thing is how the message of the day or week is also something we KNOW we REALLY need to hear!
Love Ya,
Linda
Apparently the topic of forgiveness is still something the Lord wants to bring to our attention, because I received an email this morning with another post about it from a lady who probably is not aware of this post and the discussion we’ve had about it this week! Here’s a link to A SOF post today with the content of that email and Marsha Burns’ message from September 07th, which might be what Jenn was referring to in her response about leaving the past behind.
More About Forgiveness
I see your points concerning Forgiveness and can appreciate how you backed up your views with the Scriptures in that particular area. However, concerning forgetting, I’m still in arms as to the view being held for forgetting.
I am a believer and Love the Lord with all I am, as much as I am able to being that I am human, but I often get in my own way and begin to remember the things that happened in the past. So I have to consciously “choose” to forget and move beyond what occurred in the past. Can you please provide Scriptures that support “Man”, not God, forgetting the things that occurred in the past in context? Oftentimes, people use Paul’s words in Philippians 3:13, but that’s not fully in context and I look forward to your response.
Hello Kid,
Thanks for your response and for so honestly sharing your concern and question regarding the teaching that God truly does expect us to forgive and “forget.”
First, as with all things God commands and expects us to do, we won’t ever be able to forgive and forget in and of our own strength, which is why having a very personal relationship with Jesus Christ is so vitally important–that’s the ONLY way to fully access the grace God so freely provides. And that’s when we really can do all things through Christ Who strengthens us and when HIS power is made perfect in our weakness!
After reading Philippians 3 in its entirety again just now, I don’t understand why you feel that verse 13 is taken out of context because Paul’s obvious message is that we’re to forget and leave the past behind in order to move forward into all that God has in store for us in the future. However, there is another passage of Scripture that states that even more clearly, which is Isaiah 43:18-21 (NASB). As it declares:
18 “Do not call to mind the former things,
Or ponder things of the past.
19 “Behold, I will do something new,
Now it will spring forth;
Will you not be aware of it?
I will even make a roadway in the wilderness,
Rivers in the desert.
20 “The beasts of the field will glorify Me,
The jackals and the ostriches,
Because I have given waters in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert,
To give drink to My chosen people.
21 “The people whom I formed for Myself
Will declare My praise.
When we keep our hearts, minds and lives so full of the hurt, disappointments and pain of the past, we just don’t have room for all the “new things” God longs to do in our hearts, lives and marriages. Yet we sometimes need practical instructions regarding how to do as God commands and when it comes to the matter of forgiving and forgetting, I think you’ll find reading and PRACTICING the instructions given in Philippians 4:4-8 very helpful.
I hope this adequately addresses and answers your concern and question and that you’ll ultimately be able to release the past and grad hold of all the good things God longs to bless you with!
In His Love,
Linda