Letting Go
Even though there are so many difficult challenges when standing for marriage restoration, the most difficult of all for most men and women is letting go, or even understanding that we’re called to do that and what it means. Despite rampant abuse of this particular verse among Christians today, we still have to rely on the wisdom and instruction found in 1 Corinthians 7:15 (NKJV) as we stand for our marriages, because it says But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. However, it’s very important to read the entire chapter of 1 Corinthians 7 (NKJV) to fully understand the context of this verse and what Paul acknowledges is his personal attitude concerning marriage, which he clearly felt interfered with service to the Lord.
Through conversations in the past week or so, the Lord has really impressed me with the importance of letting our spouses go, which most of us don’t REALLY understand. Letting them go (or depart)means releasing them to do whatever they’re going to do, no matter how sinful, no matter how stupid, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how dangerous, no matter how wrong, no matter what. Letting them go means we don’t have to know, understand or feel responsible for what they’re doing, what they’re thinking, how they’re feeling, who they’re talking to and even the things they’re NOT doing…nothing. We don’t have to know or “fix” anything, because we know God knows it all and He can handle it all. He’s in control and he just wants us to release them to Him and trust and KNOW that He IS doing what He promises us He will do. And we do NOT have to know when, where, how, or even what He’s doing. And most of the time, the only way to let our husbands and wives go AND live in peace is to release and totally give up EVERY expectation we have concerning them, which is probably the most difficult challenge of all. However, it IS what the Lord wants us to do, and it is a VERY significant part of acknowledging Him in all our ways. God’s plan just doesn’t work without working the plan found in His word. All He asks us to do is stand in the gap for our spouses with faith and unending prayers, and when the perfect time arrives, HE WILL MOVE. But not until then, and if we had any smarts, we wouldn’t want it any other way. So releasing our spouses and living in peace requires doing, and not just hearing, what Proverbs 3:5-6 says, which is Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. And as we trust the Lord and concentrate on doing things HIS way, we can rely on His word in Psalm 37:5-6, which promises Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Since every man and woman standing for marriage restoration knows all about feeling totally helpless to change our spouses or what they’re doing, we should take great comfort from these verses and then do everything in our power to walk them out in our lives every day, because God is not a liar! In fact, Hebrews 6:17-20 tells us Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek. So the very best place for us to be is where we finally understand and accept that we can NOT do anything to change our marital circumstances and that the ONLY hope we have is in Jesus and the way HE made for the restoration of our marriages. So we’re in the right and best place when we understand and relate to Psalm 62:1-2, which says My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. When we stand in faith and obedience, God WILL meet every need and He will be faithful to fulfill every promise found in His word, just as Isaiah 55:9-13 says:
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
12 You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the LORD’s renown, for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed.”
Proverbs 8:34 (NKJV) reminds me So much of the father of the prodigal son, because it says Blessed is the man who listens to me, Watching daily at my gates, Waiting at the posts of my doors. So instead of focusing so much on the prodigal son and what happened to him, everyone standing for marriage restoration needs to be a whole lot more focused on the father and what he did, AND WHAT HE DID NOT DO, because that’s the best example the Bible provides of what it means to let our spouses go and live in peace. So it would be very good for all of us to read and meditate on The Parable Of The Lost Son, more commonly referred to as the prodigal son, and why our husbands and wives are so often referred to as prodigals. I have no doubt that father was totally devastated and that his heart was broken when his rebellious, disrespectful and ungrateful son in effect said that he wished he would die so he could have his inheritance. And I have no doubt that after letting his son go into the unknown dangers of the lifestyle he wanted to live in and waste his fortune on, he made peace with his pain and disappointment, and overcame his fear by devoting himself to prayer, putting all of his faith in the Lord to protect and return his son. That’s why as men and women standing for marriage restoration, we must faithfully do what Colossians 4:2 instructs us to do, which is Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.
In an effort to clarify and address what I consider a popular misinterpretation, it’s important to note that the Greek word interpreted as “bondage” (or “bound” in the NIV) in the original text of 1 Corinthians 7:15 is “DOULOO”, which means slavery, and the same word used in Acts 7:6, which says God spoke to him in this way: ‘Your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own, and they will be enslaved and mistreated four hundred years. And that’s the same word used in 2 Peter 2:19, which says They promise them freedom, while they themselves are slaves of depravity—for a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him. Yet, in 1 Corinthians 7:39, where Paul said A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord., he used the Greek word “DEO”, which means mutual commitment or agreement, as by contract. And that’s the same word he used in Romans 7:2-3, which says For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress, even though she marries another man. So it is not reasonable to interpret 1 Corinthians 7:15 to mean that if an unbelieving spouse (not necessarily unsaved) leaves or departs, the other spouse is free to remarry. And since God ALWAYS calls us to live in peace, we can’t infer a special interpretation in this context, because the same thing is seen in many other verses, such as Romans 12:18, which says If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Furthermore, rejecting such an interpretation is also consistent with the instructions given to wives in 1 Peter 3:1-2, which says Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. That makes more sense because 1 Corinthians 7:16 asks how we know whether we will save our unsaved spouses, and many men and women with restored marriages say that it was the unexplainable peace they observed in their spouses that first drew them back to their homes. I can’t necessarily explain why this verse says that we’re not bound in such circumstances, but it can NOT mean something totally contrary to what so many other verses say, especially since Paul did NOT use the Greek word DEO. Perhaps it is just simply a statement of the obvious, which is that while our spouses are away from home, we’re not under the bondage of performing or acting as their husbands or wives in terms of our daily duties and responsibilities, which makes us free to focus on other things that glorify the Lord instead. That especially makes a lot of sense when considered in the context of how strongly Paul states his own opinion that married people can’t serve the Lord with the same level of faithfulness and commitment as those who don’t have the responsibilities and concerns of marriage, so Paul obviously considered marriage as a type of bondage or slavery.
Even though we might not understand it, there is no doubt that the Lord expects us to release our spouses and let them go when they want to leave because they no longer believe in the sanctity of the vows they made to us. And, yes, He does know how difficult that is, but He requires it just the same. Perhaps a vision He gave me once will help bring some comfort and make it easier to do, because He showed me that even though our spouses think they are running from us and their families and responsibilities, they’re really just running right into the arms of Jesus. So let’s not stop them by trying to put up roadblocks and holding onto them, or by trying to make them feel guilty for their sin, short comings and failures. That’s the role of the Holy Spirit and He doesn’t need our help. Our role is to ALWAYS show respect, honor and unconditional love for our husbands and wives, regardless of whether or not we think they’re doing anything to deserve it. So the next time you’re husband or wife is doing something you just can’t understand and something you don’t know how to deal with, turn to the Lord and ask Him to help you and visualize them running right into the arms of Jesus! And each and every day when you get up, ask the Lord what HE wants you to do that day for His kingdom and glory, because that IS the real key to living in peace NO MATTER WHAT!
I do understand what you are saying about letting go. I have fought with that in myself over the past years. I have gotten to the point where i feel like i have turned my husband completely over to the Lord. He keeps telling me he wants to go and that he is not happy, and I have told him time and again that i will not stop him from leaving if that is what he wants, but he is still in our home. He has been involved in adultery for a number of years and a child has recently been born as a result. I just don’t know if what I am doing is right.
Mechelle, there’s no way to understate how difficult your situation must be; but God ALWAYS wants us to stand for the miracle of His power to be manifested in the lives, hearts and souls of our spouses. And if we don’t stand in the gap for them, who will? If you can, try to call me some time so we can talk, because there is so much you can do to help find more peace in this situation; perhaps I can help you better understand how to do that. My phone number is 850-656-8087 and I’m in the Eastern Time zone. And if you can’t call, if you send me your phone number and the best time to call, I’ll call you.
Honey, your husband is so double minded. There’s no way our spouses get caught up in sin as he obviously is without feeling a great deal of guilt and shame; and that’s true even if he shows no outward signs of it. I’ve talked to enough men and women who have committed adultery now to finally understand the incredible power those emotions have to drive them away from everything they hold dear and really want. They no longer feel that they deserve what they want and then tend to sabotage their own happiness. But you have been given your husband’s salvation and deliverance from the hand of Satan as a ministry for the glory of Jesus Christ. And the Lord ALWAYS equips us for the work He calls us to and the rewards are ALWAYS beyond anything we could ever ask or imagine. When you learn to see this situation from God’s perspective, you won’t believe how it changes YOU!
We are now watching with total amazement as one of the most amazing marriage restorations unfolds before our very eyes in the FAM Fellowship! The husband abandoned his pregnant wife and two little ones with absolutely NO care or concern for their welfare. He left them for a woman who was also pregnant with his child and who had three other small children even though never married. He was only concerned about those children and actually told his wife that they had no other father in their lives and they needed him; totally ignoring that the same was true of his own children and that they could well end up in a homeless shelter! Everything he said and did made NO sense! But God REALLY got hold of his wife’s heart and we saw her change before our very eyes too, and NOTHING her husband did worked. In fact, just the other day he told her that he saw all of the “signs” too! So God was working on him; he was just trying to ignore it or didn’t know how to get out of the mess he had gotten everyone involved in. Just remember that the Bible always refers to sin as either a trap or snare, and just like any animal caught in a trap; your husband CAN’T get himself out. We tend to think it’s a matter of knowing right from wrong and choosing to do the right thing; but it’s not that simple. Only the supernatural power of God at work in his heart and circumstances will set your husband free of what the devil is now using to hold him captive, so your faith filled prayers are VERY important to his deliverance. And if you’ve read other posts on the sight, you know God WILL DO EXACTLY WHAT HIS WORD SAYS HE WILL DO–and He does say that He will uphold the covenant of your marriage if you remain faithful to it yourself, and that means not giving up on your husband and the power and promise of God Almighty!
Dear Lord, we ask for Your power and blessings to flow through Mechelle and her situation. Bless her with Your peace which surpasses all human understanding. Show her the way that she should go and teach her to walk according to Your will and to acknowledge You in all of her ways as she trusts You with all of her heart and refuses to lean to her own understanding. And we ask for Your supernatural power to be manifested in her husband’s heart and spirit and that he will be set free of all that Satan now uses to hold him captive. We thank you that we can rely on the power and promise of Your Word and that everything You have promised us will come to pass when we simply trust and obey You. Be Thou glorified in this marriage and family, Lord jesus, which we ask in the power and authority of Your name, and for YOUR glory! Amen.
I am going through a similar situation. My wife of ten years has left me for “selfish reasons.” She has given me divorce papers, but has agreed to hold off on filing them for a few more months. We have been separated for 2 months already. I have told her she is free to do as she pleases. She is a Christian and so am I, but I invited the devil into my home by not going to church as I should have. This separation has opened my eyes and made me see that I was not putting God first in my life, and I did not love my wife like Christ loves the church. A Christian counselor advocated divorce, but I am convinced that God has bigger plans for us. I pray that God will touch her life, and she will feel the need to return to him. When you say let go, do you mean to divorce her or allow her this freedom and rely on God and the Blood of the Lamb to intervene and restore this marriage?
Rex, your situation is much like so many of the FAM Fellowship members; we allowed other things to take first place in our hearts and lives, and the devil, who is always stalking around like a roaring lion just looking for someone to devour, never misses the opportunities we give him to kill, steal and destroy when we do that. BUT the GOOD NEWS is that IF you will learn what the Bible teaches YOU to do in such circumstances, as well as what NOT to do, you can and will see your wife’s heart turn back to you and the full and complete restoration of your marriage. So you might want to consider joining the FAM Fellowship so you can learn from the experiences and testimonies of other men and women in the same circumstances. We can all learn so much about what to do and not to do by the word of their testimonies, which is how the devil is defeated and hurled down, just as Revelation 12:10-11 tells us. And one of the first things you have to learn is that the Lord does NOT want you to focus on your wife and what SHE is doing or has done wrong; HE WANTS TO CHANGE YOU! And until you are ready to allow the work of the Holy Spirit to be accomplished in YOUR heart and life, you probably won’t see any changes in your wife and situation.
For instance, saying that what she is doing is for “selfish reasons” reveals that you tend to minimize or totally invalidate HER feelings and HER needs, and whether or not you understand them, think they are valid or reasonable, and even if she is one hundred percent wrong; those are HER feelings and HER reality, and trying to interact with her from any other basis or point of view other than HER reality is a losing battle. We use an acronym in the fellowship–SAVE; which for men is; Support, Affirm, Validate and Encourage your wife, and if it doesn’t do that, then don’t say or do it…to her or to anyone else about her. And where men often go wrong is failing to support their wives emotionally. So support is not just in terms of providing materiall security and support, though that is important as well. Your wife needs to FEEL emotionally secure, loved, liked, appreciated and CHERISHED, and that means loving her and doing all of that UNCONDITIONALLY–NO MATTER WHAT SHE SAYS OR DOES! Christ loves us that way and that is the way He commands men to love their wives. And I can assure you that loving your wife like that is the only way you will se the awesome power of God work in the restoration of your marriage. That means NOT judging or criticizing her; it means blessing her even if she curses and hurts you; it means loving her sacrificially and without EXPECTING anything in return. Keep reading other Seeds Of Faith posts and you will begin to understand the way of restoration according to God’s Word, because the ONLY way to get God’s results is to DO things HIS way. But if you continue to do things the way of the world, you will get the world’s results.
Just remember, that if you seek FIRST the kingdom of God and HIS righteousness, He will give you everything you need and that when you DELIGHT in Him, HE WILL GIVE YOU THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART! So put your focus on growing in your walk and relationship with the Lord, and then EVERYTHING else will fall into place according to God’s perfect plan. And if you want to talk about this in more detail, call me at the above number and we can discuss your particular situation privately.
And, yes; letting your wife go means not standing in the way if she wants a divorce–that’s validating her feelings and needs–AND it does mean putting all of your faith and confidence in the power and promise of God’s Word as YOU learn to be the husband He calls YOU to be, knowing that He will then do whatever it takes to restore your covenant marriage.
Dear Lord, we thank You for leading Rex to seek Your will in the full and complete restoration of his marriage. And we thank you that he will have ears to listen and eyes to see as You show him the way that he should go. Teach him to love his wife unconditionally, Lord, and as he learns to be the husband You call him to be, let his wife’s heart soften and turn back to him and to You. May You be the center of their lives once again, Lord, and at the center of their marriage. Be Thou glorified in them, Lord, as they surrender their all to you and learn to seek first YOUR kingdom and YOUR righteousness and to rely on You for everything. Bless them with all of the joy and fulfillment You created marriage to be, Lord, and let others see Your power, love, promise and glory fully manifested in their lives. And we ask all of this in the name and authority of Jesus Christ, our beloved Lord and Savior, and all for HIS glory! Amen!
I read this post almost daily so that I remind myself not to worry about what my spouse is doing. Some of you know that my spouse is at home, and we are going to counseling, but he is not fully “committed” to our marriage YET. There are days or nights when he doesn’t come home right after work, and he’s gone for hours sometimes and doesn’t tell me where he is or who he is with. I start to ask, but then I come back to this post and realize that I don’t have to know. God will make the changes that need to be made in my spouse. God knows everything and knows what to do. So, I have to thank you again for this post. It is in my “favorites” on my computer at work and I read it daily to remind myself to “let go.” Thank you.
This is the first time I’ve read this SOF, but it’s right on time, as usual. My mother constantly uses the phrase, Let Go…Let God. And this season is teaching me day by day to do just that. When I concern myself with the activities of my husband, I lose my peace. Firstly, because there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to bring about a change in the current state of our marriage. My order, as Linda points out, is to be a better person, wife and mother. As for my husband, I visualize us approaching the Throne and simply leaving him there. That’s not to say “those thoughts” don’t present themselves; the enemy never rests! But I’ve learned to restore my peace (and get my faith back on track) by laying my husband at God’s feet and keeping my thoughts focused on those things above. Praise God!