The following testimony was sent to me last Thursday by one of our very gifted FAM Fellowship members, Alex, to share as I felt led. Since I really appreciated her testimony and believed it would be a blessing for several of our members in particular, I meant to post it last week and can’t actually remember just why I didn’t. But now I have a pretty good idea that the Holy Spirit knew this would in fact be a much better time to do so.

Unfortunately, it’s possible for people to be so deeply wounded, that even words sincerely intended to encourage and help them find the peace they so desperately long for and need are unable to penetrate the pain and actually wound them even more. And while the response to yesterday’s SOF post indicates that it was overwhelmingly well received by everyone else, it regrettably caused one person in particular great pain and distress, because she perceived it as a personal attack of judgment and criticism; and an attempt to blame her for her marital problems. Even though nothing could be further from the truth, because all of us have been where she is, and where so many are now, it doesn’t change the fact that we do have to make a decision to overcome the pain rather than allow it to overcome us. But there’s no way to express that choice any better than this beautiful and touching testimony straight from the heart of someone who’s been there as well. So thank you, Alex, for sharing something so personal with us, which I have no doubt will be a tremendous blessing to many others. As your experience reminds us, we CAN rest in the assurance found in Psalm 22:24, which says For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help. And it’s so important to understand that God does have a purpose in everything He allows to happen in our lives, even the pain and disappointment that causes us such great suffering, about which Romans 5:3-4 says Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. So it is my sincere hope and prayer that sharing Alex’s testimony and the hope she found will help anyone else in need of it to be blessed and encouraged!

I know I can’t be the only one who has cried out to God in agony, if not in prayer, to change something in my life that was so painful, I didn’t feel I could cope with it anymore. I know I can’t be the only one who has lost sight of the promises of God. I can’t be the only one who has lost sight of God entirely in the middle of such pain. There was a time in which I could not hear God or see Him, believing that He had turned His face from me. And I was angry with Him for what I believed was a betrayal on His part. I didn’t want to understand that the choice to turn was mine and that I had made it because He would not bring me relief from the pain I was enduring. See, my pain had become my idol. Most of us think of idols in Old Testament terms. A golden calf, sacrificing to gods of rain and harvest. Even in our modern world, we limit ourselves to thinking of idols in terms of money or possessions.

What’s your idol? What do you sacrifice yourself to every day? Is it a failed relationship that you have faithfully prayed to God for, seeking reconciliation? Is it an idol of anger for the hurt you have suffered at another’s hands? Is it a spirit of pride for all that you have accomplished in your life without the help of God? Has pain become your idol? Do you cherish pain, do you keep it alive? When time and blessings begin to close the wounds, do you find yourself compelled to keep those wounds open in the hopes that doing so will keep you from ever experiencing deep pain again?

We don’t want to see that anything that comes before God is an idol. Anything that we refuse to give over into His hands-a grudge, a person, a desire-even godly desires can become idols. For me, pain became an idol. Like sin, I learned how to manage it. Until I reached the point in my life where the pain began to manage me. Like any other addiction, I had lost control. And I cried out to God over and over about it. At first my prayers were for God to change the circumstances or the people that I thought were the source of my pain. Then as I received no answer to this prayer, I cried out for Him to remove the pain entirely. Still no answer. So I stopped praying. As I said before, I lost sight of God and His promises. And so I found myself in that place where I had no strength of will left. I truly felt like clay-just an undefined lump sitting there, waiting to be shaped. I was finally ready for the Master to shape me. With great tenderness and with His living water poured over my spirit, He molds me into a person who sincerely wishes to grow in my knowledge of Him so that I can stop striving for the things I want and accept what He has for me.

We have a perception in the church that deliverance and faith and answers to prayer are like Burger King. The motto of “Your Way, Right Away”–that message of instant gratification is overwhelming and people have lost a sense of what it means to wait upon the Lord. People don’t know how to be still before the Lord in order to hear the small voice that speaks. If we don’t hear from Him right away, we become alarmed and move to distract ourselves from the silence. We think everyone else has the understanding; everyone else has the answer and is living it.

If you feel that way, I want to encourage you today that you are NOT the exception. In fact, you are the norm. Our lives play themselves out just like the story of the Emperor’s New Clothes. We put on the masks to hide our pain and our need. We smile, maybe we interject a little “Praise God!” and then we walk out of church empty, discouraged, wondering what is wrong inside of us that we don’t seem to have the joy and hope that come so easily to others. God does not ask us to do this; we demand it of ourselves.

I had to realize the power of sin in my life when I came to understand that it had rendered me unable to truly give or receive love. Now usually at this point of testimonials, the story seems to end happily and everyone gets the impression that the writer sets her pen down and walks away into a life free from pain. But we don’t live in that kind of a world and I would be a liar if I didn’t say that this new walk isn’t a difficult one. And I don’t think Christians can be honestly helped or loved by being bombarded with only “feel good” messages. Because everyone who hears such a message walks away thinking “Yeah, that’s great for them but I’m still struggling.” I want you to know that even as I write this, the pain I had in my life has not subsided. Yet, I am changed and my perception of that pain is changed. That change is my hope and it’s that hope I want to share with you.

In my growing relationship with the Lord, I found it difficult to be honest with Him about my feelings and desires. My prayer time lacked sincerity because I was so busy trying to follow a formula that I couldn’t even be before the Lord without a mask. One day I heard a teaching about Jacob wrestling with God in prayer. I could identify with Jacob. Here’s a man who is certainly not perfect and yet God not only allows him to “win” the match and hence the blessing, but He almost seems to delight in wrestling with Jacob. And I thought of what I experience when my six year old daughter wrestles with me in the floor some evenings when her sugar intake is way over quota. I delight in letting her pin me down because I can see the sense of confidence it brings her. And certainly, as we wrestle, we are very close, tickling each other and laughing. To wrestle someone, you are close enough to see their face, aren’t you? That’s when I realized that He wanted me to wrestle with Him. He wanted me to b real and He wanted me to take off the gloves of self-restraint and run at Him with all I had. And I did. I think I lasted just three hours that first night. Sorry, I just couldn’t make it until daybreak like Jacob did. I walked away rubbing my jaw and knowing that He wasn’t going to take my particular pain away, at least not for a time. I felt disappointment at hearing the word “Wait.” But when I came out of that wrestling match, I learned something very important. My pain had to become strong enough that it would bring me to those wrestling matches, which have become something like labor pains-bringing forth new life for me. Life with restoration, life with expectant hope. And He asked me a very important question and I’ll ask you the same. Would a woman in labor, though she cried out to God for relief of the pain, ever ask God to take away the child that was coming? Would she sacrifice the blessing of joy for the immediate relief of pain? For me that answer was no and so I submit. I will wait and wrestle and not be ashamed to come to Him in that pain. To quote the words of Spurgeon, “Tried believer, thy Lord hath a tear-bottle in which the costly drops of scared grief are put away, and a book in which thy holy groanins are numbered. By and by He will comfortably appear, to thy soul’s joy, and make thee put away the sackcloth and ashes of long waiting, and put on the scarlet and fine linen of full fruition.”

Father, free us from the fear of pain. Free us from wishing it away, from idolizing it and robbing You of the chance to use it to produce fruit. Do not allow us to think we suffer alone. Let us choose to be vulnerable and share our pain with our Christian brothers and sisters. Let us come before You with all honesty of heart, having full confidence that Your mercy and grace cover us as we cry and even scream our pain out in your open court.

Posted Tuesday, February 13th, 2007 at 4:48 pm in Seeds Of Faith.