The following was posted by a new FAM Fellowship member in response to Tuesday’s post, Recognizing the power of our Words, and since it was something I knew couldn’t be published without dealing with some of the issues she raised, I debated how to handle it; whether I should send a private reply or publish the response and respond to it on the site. But since the issues raised in it are very likely some of the same questions many other men and women standing for marriage restoration have in their own hearts and minds, I’ve decided to share it here and to respond to it here as well.

“Hi everyone. This is the first time I am responding. Thank you firstly for your faithfulness to the Word of God and your uncompromising stand for marriage restoration.

I accept that it is very important in standing for the restoration of our marriages to understand the part that we wittingly or unwittingly play in the breakdown of our marriages. I accept that many times in my marriage (due to my distance from our Lord and His Word) that I did not act in accordance with His Word and sinned before Him as a result. I have repented of those times (that the Holy Spirit has revealed to me). However, I must say that I cannot be held accountable for the choices that my partner has made. What I am saying is that, for example, when a spouse becomes involved in excessive pornography (as with a lady I have recently met) after a year of marriage, surely one cannot say that the breakdown of her marriage is partly due to any ‘error’ on her part…. I recognized a long time ago that there were ‘cracks’ in my marriage and tried to get my husband to go to counseling, prayed for him, prayed for the Lord to change me, to forgive me, to reveal error in my life but still he made the choice to have an affair. That was “his” choice. That choice led to the breakdown of our marriage. I have gone back to him and asked his forgiveness, repented of whatever I may have done to cause him to seek solace elsewhere but I need to be careful that I don’t stand in the way of what our precious Lord is doing and make sure that my motive is not to manipulate the situation at all or for selfish reasons (to make my pain go away). I have tried to always do the right thing but I cannot be held accountable for a breakdown of a marriage by someone who continually makes bad choices in life. I really struggle with this….”

First, I want to thank MNO (Member Name Omitted) for sharing something so personal and for being so honest about the questions she has, especially when she apparently read something that made her believe that she needed to do something she feels isn’t right. It takes a certain amount of courage to challenge something like that publicly as she did, and rather than be offended by it, I hope I’ll always welcome such opportunities, because they help make me more thoughtful about how I word things and provide an opportunity for clarification and further explanation. And in most cases, if one person has a question about something, others probably do as well. So the following is my reply to MNO and anyone else struggling with the same issues:

Dear MNO,

As you noticed, I didn’t publish your response to Tuesday’s Seeds Of Faith post, and that’s because I needed to take some time to consider my reply and if I should respond on the site or privately, especially since you’re new to the ministry and fellowship. But since your questions are probably the same as those in the minds and hearts of many others, I hope you won’t mind that I’ve decided to publish your response and to reply here in an effort to help others who struggle with the same issues.

First, it is always a good thing when we examine and accept our own mistakes, shortcomings and failures when our marriages fall apart; that is absolutely necessary if we hope to have a lasting, happy and fulfilling restored marriage. Otherwise, we’ll just end up in the same place one day even if our marriages are restored somehow without doing so; though that probably isn’t likely. But if we believe that we are not at fault at all in the breakdown of our marriages, we are terribly deceived.

For instance, concerning the wife whose husband was caught up in pornography; without knowing anything else about the situation, I can tell you that she did not act in accordance with what the Bible teaches a wife to do in several respects, and therefore did play a part in the failure of her marriage. She did not cover her husband’s nakedness and sin and she did harm to his reputation by telling anyone else about what he was doing; all of which the Bible says love and a wife of noble character and great worth wouldn’t do, as indicated in the following verses and MANY others:

Proverbs 10:12 – Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.

Proverbs 17:9 – He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.

1 Peter 4:8 – Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 – Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Proverbs 31:10-12 – A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

The only way to evaluate whether or not we are and have been the spouses God calls us to be is by our adherence to the standards set forth in the Bible. And when we act contrary to the roles and instructions provided in the Bible, we ARE at fault and at least partially responsible for the destruction of our marriages. Marriage was instituted by God and He told us very specifically how to make them work, and when we don’t do what He teaches us to do, we can’t expect to have the marriages God wants and intended for us to have. The ONLY way to get God’s results is to DO what God tells us to do. In fact, in Luke 6:46-49, Jesus warned us that our houses will come down with a great crash and be completely destroyed if we hear His words and don’t DO them; He said:
46 “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?
47 I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice.
48 He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built.
49 But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.”>

MNO, as for being held accountable for your husband’s sin and thereby responsible for the problems in your marriage; perhaps you misunderstood something written in one of the posts you read that made you think that’s what it meant, but I can assure you that it didn’t mean that at all. However, the problem and our contribution to the destruction of our marriages is when WE try to hold and make our spouses accountable for their sin, shortcomings and failures. And by trying to talk your husband into going to counseling, it’s apparent that you were at least engaged in conversation and an effort to make him accountable for behavior you didn’t approve of or like, which is contrary to the instructions wives are given in 1 Peter 3:1-6 and other passages of scripture.. 1 Peter 3:6 (NASB) says:
1 In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives,
2 as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.
3 Your adornment must not be merely external–braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses;
4 but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.
5 For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands;
6 just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.

Since the respect and honor of their wives is very important to men and since wives are very specifically instructed to honor and respect their husbands (and based on the example above in the reference to Sarah honoring Abraham, thereby allowing herself to be taken into the Pharaoh’s home, that means UNCONDITIONAL honor), asking your husband to go to counseling undoubtedly contributed to the breakdown of your marriage. He couldn’t have felt respected, admired or honored when you did that. Quite the contrary; your words and efforts to get him to seek counseling indicated your disapproval and probably made him feel even worse about himself than he already did. As I often share with FAM Fellowship members; we all have a relationship account with our spouses (and everyone else we know), and when an encounter or communication with us (be it in person, email, text message letters or what they’ve heard we’ve said about them to someone else) makes them feel good about themselves, we make a deposit in our relationship account. But when an encounter or communication with us makes them feel bad about themselves, we make a withdrawal from our relationship account. And the sad thing that is so hard to understand or explain is that when we first start dating, we rarely make withdrawals and instead make continuous deposits; usually huge ones at that. But something seems to happen once we get married and we start making almost nothing but withdrawals! And then someone comes along that makes nothing but deposits in THEIR relationship account, and that’s when our spouses tend to stray. Since God made us and knows exactly how we’re wired, we just have to put our faith and confidence in HIS wisdom, and when He says that we can win over a disobedient spouse (disobedient to the Word) by our behavior and WITHOUT A WORD; that’s EXACTLY what He means. Yet, that just makes absolutely NO sense to us! And that’s why Proverbs 3:5-6 so wisely instructs us Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. That’s why it’s SO important for us to know the Word; how can we acknowledge the Lord in all of our ways (in everything we say and do) if we don’t know HIS ways as taught and revealed in His Word? We can’t. In fact, Hosea 4:6 warns that my people are destroyed from lack of knowledge. …

And while we are in no way responsible or accountable for the choices our spouses make, we will be held accountable and bear the consequences of whether or not we forgive them when they make wrong choices; for whether or not we demonstrate unconditional love and show them respect and honor even when they aren’t being very honorable or respectable, as wives are instructed by God to do. And just as with the lady whose husband was caught up in pornography, God calls us to cover over the wrongs, offenses and sins of our spouses and to not keep a record of those wrongs; much less use them to harm their reputations or to put the blame on our spouses for all the problems in our marriages. As Jesus told those who wanted to stone the woman caught in adultery; only when we are without sin should we cast stones at our spouses. And IF we think we’re without sin, or without blame or fault in the demise of our marriages, we just prove ourselves deceived, because that is never true and it’s quite prideful, which is dangerous indeed! As 1 Peter 5:5-6 says Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.

And finally, in our humanness, we all tend to think in terms of what is right and fair, but we can’t afford to play the blame game. So we need to see what God’s Word tells us about that too. In the original text of the Bible, there were no chapter and verse distinctions as in our Bibles today, so it’s often very important and instructive to read the preceding verses of a passage of scripture we’re studying. And that’s especially important when reading 1 Peter 3 (instructions to husbands and wives) since it starts out saying “In the same way….” So it’s not possible to fully understand and comprehend the amazing significance and importance of Peter’s instructions without going back and reading 1 Peter 2 to find out exactly what “in the same way” refers to! So I strongly encourage every husband and wife struggling with feelings that things are not fair or right, or who are and have been mistreated in some way by their spouses to read and very seriously meditate on 1 Peter 2, particularly verses 18-25. And then read the instructions given to husbands and wives and all of us in 1 Peter 3

That should pretty much put an end to thoughts of being mistreated and things not being fair or right. We have to understand that standing for our marriages at this time in our lives, for ALL of us, is a ministry that the Lord has called us to, and it is NOT about us. God has allowed all of this to happen so that at the end of our stand, and through it all if we trust Him and walk through it with Him as we should; Jesus will be lifted up and glorified. And that’s not going to happen as long as we continue to see ourselves as helpless and blameless victims of our circumstances and/or the choices and actions of our spouses. Either we believe the Word of God or not. Either we believe that He CAN and WILL restore our marriages and families NO MATTER What or not. So it’s up to each of us to decide if we’d rather be a victim or a victor, because it’s not possible to be both! And we start by recognizing that our spouses are caught up in sin and deception and that if not for the grace of God, it could just as easily be us, and that they need us to honor our marriage vows for better or worse and stand in the gap for them, being fully persuaded that God’s will always prevails and that the power in us is greater than the power the devil is now using to deceive and control our beloved husbands and wives.. As Proverbs 21:30 (and MANY other verses) promises and reassures us; There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the LORD. So when we BELIEVE that and focus on EVERY Word that comes from the mouth of the Lord, we WILL BE blessed and encouraged!

Posted Friday, April 11th, 2008 at 2:27 pm in Seeds Of Faith.