Learning a New Way
Recent conversations with several FAM Fellowship members revealed that they still struggle with overcoming learned or conditioned responses to their spouses, which is a deadly deterrent to marriage restoration. So that’s definitely part of the past we have to leave behind in order to press on and take hold of all that God has for us in the future, just as Paul wrote about in Philippians 3:12-14, which says Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Most of us are quite familiar with that passage, but when we take the time to really meditate on it, there’s an awful lot in it that pertains to letting the past go and giving our spouses a clean slate in terms of our interaction with them. First, just like Paul, none of us are perfect and we never will be; but we have been called by God and predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son, as confirmed in Romans 8:28-30, which says And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. Obviously, that is something we can’t do on our own, so we have to rely on God’s promise to do it for us. And we do that by remaining in the Word and allowing ourselves to be transformed by the renewing of our minds as Paul teaches in Romans 12:2, which says Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. And without reading the Word, we can’t possibly know God’s good and perfect will or for what purpose Christ took hold of us! And that’s the ONLY way we’ll EVER have the faith we need to DO what God has called us to do (Romans 10:17)!
One of the most important aspects of what Paul teaches us in the above passage for those of us standing for marriage restoration is that we have to FORGET WHAT LIES BEHIND! And one of the reasons so many struggle with doing that is a lack of genuine and heart felt forgiveness, which is discussed in great detail inBehold I Will Do A New Thing, a previous post about the fact that forgiving DOES MEAN FORGETTING; because we’re called to forgive others as God forgives us. And one of the reasons we have such a difficult time forgiving and forgetting is because we aren’t willing or able to show others the same mercy God shows us, even though we’re also instructed to do that as well. What About Mercy? is another previous post about forgiveness and letting go of the past. The links included are no longer valid, but the Bible references sure are powerful.
Letting go of the past and refusing to react negatively as we previously learned and were actually conditioned to do in response to just about everything our spouses said and did is absolutely necessary if we’re ever going to obtain the restored marriages God has planned for us. And the ONLY way to do that is to genuinely forgive them and to extend them the same kind of mercy God has so graciously given to us.
Fortunately, identifying and understanding our “conditioned” responses goes a long way toward helping us overcome them and leave them behind as we learn a new and better way! And one of the most powerful examples of a conditioned response that helps us understand how they affect and hinder us is an actual experiment I learned about in college. Anyone familiar with fleas knows that they are amazing little jumpers! But when they are put in a jar and the lid is placed back on the jar; after jumping a few times and hitting the lid, they keep jumping, but just high enough to avoid hitting the lid. Well, after a certain amount of time, when the lid is removed and they could jump out of the jar; they don’t even try! They just keep jumping only high enough to avoid hitting the lid! I’m sure that sounds familiar to a LOT of us; if not ALL of us! We became so used to acting and reacting a certain way with our spouses that even when we and/or they have changed, we continue to act and react the same way! And that’s got to stop, because we can’t have the new relationship God has planned for us by continuing our old ways of interacting and responding to our spouses. But the good news for all of us is that we CAN change and learn a new and better way, because as Jesus declared in John 15:5; “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. So just like Paul, we have to press on toward the goal of marriage restoration to win the prize for which God has called us heavenward in Christ Jesus! Apart from Him, we just can’t do it, but when we remain in Him and abide and rest in the power and promise of His Word, we can bear much fruit and we CAN do ALL things through Christ Jesus who strengthens us (Philippians 4:13)! And when the devil comes to tell us we can’t change and we can’t learn a NEW way, we can send him packing by simply believing and claiming the awesome assurance we have in 2 Corinthians 12:9, which says And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. And when we remember that, we can’t help being blessed and encouraged!