Understanding the Danger of Self-Righteous, Judgmental and Prideful Prayer
Since I often counsel others that when the Lord gives us a burden or concern about something, He usually means for us to deal with it in some way, I found myself challenged to take my own counsel today. And even though this might be another controversial topic, it comes from my heart and in obedience to what I know the Lord wants me to share. So it is my most sincere hope and prayer that it will be understood and received in the manner intended and that it will shed the light of God’s Word on a matter of great importance; because it is possible for some of our sincere and well intended prayers to actually hinder the work of the Holy Spirit as we stand for the restoration of our marriages and families. But I need to acknowledge that I was once quite guilty of self-righteous, judgmental, prideful and quite ineffective prayer myself, because I too had been taught to pray in a manner contrary to the very specific instructions found in the New Testament; including the examples provided by Jesus Himself.
Yet, it just breaks my heart now to hear men and women say (not to mention actually pray) that they continually pray for the Lord to deliver their spouse from this and that sin, to bring about consequences leading them to repentance (even though I am pretty sure there might well be at least one Seeds Of Faith post way back in the archives where I even suggested doing that!), not to let them have a moment of peace or happiness until they return home, to “break” them…and so on. I just wonder where and how we learned to pray that way for our one flesh husbands and wives; the very men and women we profess to love. It’s certainly not the example Jesus provided and not at all in keeping with any of the prayers in the New Testament. And we sure don’t find any of that in Jesus’ very specific instructions about prayer in Matthew 6:5-15.In fact, quite the contrary; Jesus makes it VERY clear that we can NOT expect God to forgive our debts and sins if we haven’t forgiven the debts and sins of others. So we ignore the significance of that being stated and emphasized so strongly in the context of Jesus’ instructions concerning prayer at our own peril and loss. And the best and most powerful example of what pleases God in terms of prayer concerning the sin of those we love is Jesus’ prayer on the cross, where He WHO WAS TOTALLY BLAMELESS, in perfect love and humility prayed “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34) And then Stephen demonstrated the same genuine humility and loving concern for those who were stoning him when he prayed “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” (Acts 7:59-60)
We can’t truly understand the above examples, and read all of the other prayers in the New Testament, without realizing that God is not pleased with prayers enumerating our spouses’ sin and asking Him to bring them to repentance; particularly when focusing on the sins of others (especially when we ourselves are so far from perfect) is by its very nature being self-righteous and judgmental according to Luke 6:38-42; not to mention quite contrary to what Jesus taught repeatedly. And we should be quite humbled by the knowledge that it is ONLY BY THE GRACE OF GOD that our situations with our spouses are not reversed. And since we know that God lifts up and gives grace to the humble, but OPPOSES the proud (1 Peter 5:5-6), walking humbly before our spouses and under the mighty hand of God is particularly important as we stand for marriage restoration. So when we lose sight of our own sin or somehow think that God is any less displeased with the sin and disobedience in our own lives, and feel justified to ask God to deal with the sin and disobedience of our spouses, we are in fact being prideful. And when we go before God with that attitude, He has to honor and uphold His own Word, which means He has to OPPOSE such prayers. So there’s no doubt that God is a lot more pleased when our prayers are more focused on bringing about the changes He desires in OUR HEARTS and in US as we learn to love, honor and respect our husbands and wives unconditionally. Every time I hear someone praying for God to deal with their spouse’s sin and asking Him to bring them to repentance or “give them a repentant heart,” I’m painfully reminded of The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector (Luke 18:9-14). So let’s not forget what Jesus told those who were fully justified by the law to stone the woman caught in adultery; He said “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.”
But the wonder and beauty of praying for blessings, prosperity, joy, happiness and peace for our spouses and for the power of the Holy Spirit to move in their hearts, minds, spirits and lives, is that there’s absolutely no need to self-righteously and judgmentally focus on their need for repentance, because that is what happens when the Holy Spirit moves in all of us. Yet, when we truly understand and put our faith and trust in the power and promise of God’s Word, we know that covering our spouses with prayers for peace, blessings and prosperity is in effect asking that they be brought to repentance; because we know that none of those prayers can or will be answered until they are living in right relationship with both God and us. So our prayers should be those of spouses seeking and expecting God’s very best for our husbands and wives, as we’re instructed in His Word, and not those of proud, self-righteous, or judgmental spouses more focused on the destructive and sinful nature of our husbands and wives. We need to pray for them the same way we would if they were in fact already living with us as the spouses and parents God intended them to be and in right relationship with Him; because those are the prayers of a truly righteous person, which the Bible assures us are very powerful and effective and will avail much! The power of our faith filled prayers can then be used to speak the Word of God into existence in our spouses and marriages, especially since Psalm 103:20 says Praise the LORD, you his angels, you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word. And since 2 Corinthians 10:6 makes it clear that God isn’t going to deal with our spouses’ disobedience until our obedience is made complete, it seems to make a lot more sense to spend our time in prayer asking the Lord to deal with OUR HEARTS and to bring US TO REPENTANCE.
And one of the MOST amazing and unexpected benefits of changing our prayers so that they bless and lift up our spouses, is that WE are the ones who are changed and benefit the most, because it’s a lot easier to feel love, admiration and respect for our husbands and wives when we are praying and speaking into being the positive things we are called to desire for them instead of continually identifying them and presenting them before the Lord as terrible sinners in need of repentance. So, I hope an pray that the next time we’re tempted to pray for God to deal with the sin and disobedience in our spouses lives, we will take our own inventory and ask the Lord to deal with and cleanse our own unrepentant hearts and the sin and disobedience in our lives instead. And as difficult as it might be for anyone who has not yet made it to that place in their walk and relationship with the Lord to understand and believe; I can assure you, as I’m sure many others can (an hopefully will) that it is indeed possible to love our spouses without being hurt and devastated by the disobedience in their lives. In other words, we REALLY CAN walk in the amazing love described in 1 Corinthians 13! and since we have no greater calling as Christians, especially in our roles as husbands and wives; when we learn to walk in God’s love and realize that it really does cover over the sin, wrong doing and offenses of those we love, we are the ones who are blessed and rewarded! That’s when we will experience joy (the strength of our salvation) and the peace of God that transcends all understanding as we confidently stand for the full and complete restoration of our marriages and families; because that’s when our prayers WILL change and instead of being hindered or opposed, they will be the powerful and effective prayers of righteous men and women and we will be greatly blessed and encouraged!
Amen. So much is covered here that I have learned before, but it is a good reminder. If we are praying as you said, for the Holy Spirit to come to our spouses, to guide and direct their steps, then He will get them to repent and turn away from what displeases Him. It is not our job to judge; God is the judge and He will be our vindicator. I believe in the power of prayer and I want to pray good stuff for my spouse and family. We are to love unconditionally, and God gives us the ability to love, despite things that are not so loving. If we are praying and looking at our spouses’ sin, we are not forgiving or forgetting as Jesus has forgiven us and brings it up no more. We are to be Christ-like in all that we do and that includes praying. And Jesus prayed for people to be blessed. Even on the cross, He asked that God “forgive them for they know not what they do.” Our spouses are not thinking clearly, so we need to pray for them to have clear minds and to be guided by the Holy Spirit and then let God do the rest. And we can ask for the fog to be lifted and for them to have sound minds. I also pray that the NCPs would be touched by the Holy Spirit and go back to their families or where God intends them to be.
I truly know that when we pray for positive things, our hearts are changed and we see our spouses differently, and they start to have that heart transformation God always intended them to have. We are one flesh, so I pray for the same things for my spouse that I want to come into my life, and that is not negative stuff. We are to forget the past and move forward to what Jesus has ahead for us, and that is a new beginning. We all fall short of the glory of God, so we need to thank Him for the grace that He has given us and that we aren’t where our spouses are. We are to lift up, cover and love our spouses, and God gives us the strength to do that even when they may be undeserving.
I have a restored marriage, and I prayed for peace for my husband, but he never really had peace until he turned and listened to what God was saying to him. I believe in speaking things into being, so speak healing into your marriage, speak that strong parent bonds will be made and leave the judging to God. God gave me the ability, grace and anointing to demonstrate unconditional love to a man who was cold and unloving, and that love softened his heart, made him more romantic than ever before and gave us beauty for ashes. Sin is sin, no matter how big or small and I know that I am not blameless in what happened in my marriage, so I still pray for a clean heart. I pray the same today as I prayed when my husband was gone and I will always continue to do so. Trust God to get your spouse to where HE needs him to be and rest knowing that nothing is too hard for God. Positive prayers give us positive attitudes and loving hearts. And God can work with loving hearts.
I just want to thank you for your message. I’ve struggled for several months with my own despair, anger and pain. Until recently, I hadn’t realized a spirit of depression was starting to not only overtake me, but overtake my relationship with Christ. When I realized that, I began to focus on my heart, my spirit and not so much what my husband has done. My family is not YET restored, but my standing with Christ is on the right track. Expecting good through faith and patience. Thank you for your words! They are truly confirmation that I’m on the right path to wholeness!
Nik, thank you so much for sharing how the Lord has been working in your walk and relationship with Him, and for confirming the change that ALWAYS comes when we turn our judgment inward and allow the Holy Spirit to work in us. The only sin we have the power and ability to do anything about is our own, and since the Bible makes it pretty clear that we will never be perfect on this side of heaven and that we shouldn’t be concerning ourselves with the sins of others until we have eliminated our own, we are the ones who suffer when we don’t let the Lord do that healing work in us. And I know you are feeling a lot more peace and joy now that you have rightfully given the burden and responsibility for your husband’s sin to God and focused more on your own.
And thank you for taking the time to personally encourage me, because it’s clear from your response that I managed to convey the message I hoped to since you so perfectly explained the results God can and will bring about in us and in the restoration of our marriages when we understand and put His Word into practice concerning prayer and appropriate sin conciousness.
May the Lord’s work of restoration in you and your marriage continue and we hope to hear more praises from you in the near future. Never forget that God is faithful and He ALWAYS completes the good work He has begun!
Dear Lord, we thank You for the restoration and healing You have brought and continue to bring to Nik’s heart and in her walk and relationship with You. And we thank You now for the full and complete restoration of her marriage and family. Guide and direct her and guard and protect her as she seeks a greater understanding of You and to be the wife You call her to be. Let her husband see her through new eyes; Your eyes, Lord, the eyes of love. Bless her with many good things and let others see Your love and goodness in her, and be drawn to You and to her, especially her husband. We thank You for the transforming power of Your Word and the Holy Spirit and ask that they be fully manifested in Nik’s husband, and in her life and marriage for the glory of Jesus Christ, in Whose name and authority we pray. Amen.
Diane, thank you so much for sharing the wisdom God has given you and your personal insight and experience. You have taught us all so much about the transforming power and faithfulness of our dear Lord, and you are such a blessing to all of us!
Diane, your response brought me to tears. I nodded the whole time I was reading it. You are so right.
I do pray all of the time for my spouse to have clear thinking, a clear mind, and a mind like Christ. I pray for him to have a “heart transplant” and to renew what was lost, to renew the love between us and to breathe His Life and Love into our marriage.
I had been praying for my spouse to show remorse for his sins and to repent and turn to the Lord. But now I know that I should leave that to God; He knows what to do. So why am I telling Him?
Is it okay to pray for the strongholds to be broken in my spouse’s life; the strongholds of selfishness and temptation?
Sometimes I feel like I am telling God what to do when I pray those things, but I always say “Lord, I know you know what I need and what my spouse needs, so I am praying for Your Will be done”
God led me to the verse Whatever you ask in My name, that I will do . . . —John 14:13 last night when I was reading the Word of God, and I smiled and said “Thank you, Jesus”. I knew he was telling me that I need to continue to ask for healing and restoration.
Is it okay to pray for my spouse to be saved; for salvation? I want to pray correctly and not hinder the Holy Spirit in working in my marriage.
I do know I am a sinner as well, and I always start my prayers with The Lord’s Prayer, asking for forgiveness for my sins as well. And I don’t want anything to stand in the way of the restoration of my marriage and family.
As God’s word tells us; He already knows. When we focus on our spouses too much, whether it is the good or the bad, we tend to lift them higher than God. Yes, we can pray for strongholds to be broken, but I don’t think we need to say what they are (what WE think they are); God knows that already. Focus on what God needs to do in you and let Him worry about your spouse. God loves him and doesn’t want him to parish. He really is speaking to him, even in the desert. We have heard so many times of the amazing ways God is speaking to our loved ones, so just keep praying for the peace of God to come to them. We read in God’s word that there is no peace when we are going against God, so we just have to believe that God will do what His word says; He will get them to listen however He needs to. Jesus said, “He who believes will be saved, them and their household.” So thank God for your husband’s salvation. Speak as though it is. And ask God to breathe new life into your marriage and make you the spouses HE intended you to be. Focus on God and your walk and relationship with Him, and He will do the rest. If we ask for healing, God knows what needs to be healed. And He has promised to give us back more than we can dream or imagine.
I don’t even notice the things that used to bother me about my husband anymore. I tried to remember if he still does them yesterday and I couldn’t. God makes us “new,” and when we focus on the “stuff” that needs to be changed, it keeps us focused on circumstances and not all of the good; certainly not the power and promise of God’s Word. So lay your spouse at the foot of the cross and be amazed at what God gives you back. He will do what He has done for us for all. And ask God to give you the eyes to see and the ears to hear what He wants you to do and leave the rest to HIM. I can say with faith that God can and will speak to your spouse no matter where they are, so trust Him with your husband and family and LET GOD BE GOD. Focus your prayers on asking for protection; cover your husband with the BLOOD of christ and God will do the rest. God knows what He is doing; If you ask Him to show you how to pray and listen, He will tell you. I do ask for God to show me if there is anything in my heart that is not of HIM and to cleanse it. I focus on God and me and not what everyone else is doing or saying. Keep the blood of Jesus covering your family and put God’s Armor on every day.
Also, I would suggest that you join and be blessed by this fellowship too. I have learned so much in the two years that I have been apart of this ministry. It does something to my spirit to be able to encourage and pray for others. I know that it kept my mind off myself when I could be an encouragement to others. And do not be afraid to pray for good things to come to your spouse; joy, peace and prosperity. I prayed for these things to come, but God kept giving him broken down cars, financial woes, problems at work and sore backs. And now that he turned home, the peace, joy and prosperity came. God knows what we need and we will not be disappointed if we put our trust in HIM. It all comes in God’s time and in His way. Just surrender it ALL to Him.
Thank you so much Diane! I really needed to hear this and to know how to pray.
It’s difficult to decipher God speaking to me, because I wonder if I can hear Him, or if it’s myself I hear. I am sometimes envious of how others can “hear” the Lord speaking to them and telling them things. I haven’t had that happen; other than I receive a devotional with the same scripture as one I heard on the TV during a sermon or something like that. Is that God speaking to me?
Thank you again; you are an inspiration.
Lisa, I strongly believe that we are to speak things as though they are; being positive. Do not think you cannot hear like someone else does. Don’t compare your spirituality to others. God can speak to you through devotionals, messages or other people. There have been so many times that I would read a devotional and it screamed at me; that was God. Do not let the enemy steal, kill or destroy what you believe to be from God. God often uses the posts I feel led in my spirit to write to speak to others; that’s another reason you might be encouraged by being apart of FAMM. When you feel in your spirit to do or not do something; that is from God. BELIEVE and TRUST.
Lisa, That is definitely one way He speaks to us. You would be surprised how all of us in the fellowship receive confirmation on a scripture or teaching, even though we all get different devotionals, and live in different states. Pray to hear the Lord’s voice and He will guide you and talk to you!
On the subject at hand; I wonder, just wonder, if Linda was thinking of me when she asked for confirmation? I know that she was! Self righteousness, and pride are definitely huge detourents. If you look at past Seeds Of Faith posts, you will see that God eventually let me fall to my own “desert” so to speak, and there I learned, or should I say that it was imprinted onto my heart, that I sin every day, and that there is no sin greater than the other. Just because I walk with God and am suppose to be a Christian, makes me no better. I am forgiven, but I have to be forgiven every day. As Linda said, pray for peace and happiness, because it could very well be us in their shoes, and we really are still in those shoes–except for the sacrifice that Jesus made for us. If we had to do it on our own…makes me wonder! God bless!
…………Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Philippians 2:3
Thanks for sharing the love of God with us.
It is very true that so many marriages never experience what God intended for marriage to have. This pride and judgmental attitude is a silent killer disease that is causing havoc in marriages even as I type this. I could connect with this message and the responses because I was there. God has helped, and is still helping me, but focusing on ones self and making the change we want to see in others to be seen by them in us first is certainly not an attribute for the faint hearted.
I will surely add the things I have gleaned from here to my arsenal.
Ephesians 5:1-2 enjoins us to follow Gods example and walk in the way of love.