One of the surest ways to end up divorced when standing for marriage restoration and trying to overcome marital problems is to seek marriage counseling from the wrong people, which unfortunately all too often includes pastors and so called “Christian” counselors. I can’t even count the times I’ve been totally horrified to hear the ungodly advice given to men and women seeking help from their pastors or Christian counselors when their marriages were in trouble. It just breaks my heart to hear men and women say that their insistence on marriage counseling in an effort to save their marriages actually led to their demise instead. Unfortunately, few pastors and even Christian marriage counselors truly believe the Word of God; much less that it’s possible to rely on the work of the Holy Spirit and the power and promise of God’s Word to change hearts and bring about marriage restoration. And by the time those seeking what they reasonably expected to be godly counsel realize their mistake, the damage is done and their spouses have more than likely already moved out of the home or filed for divorce. So they’re much worse off than before because the counsel they received just served to magnify and validate the problems and belief that restoration was impossible.

Yet, this comes as no surprise when we understand and appreciate the wisdom found in Psalm 1:1-3 (AMP), which says BLESSED (HAPPY, fortunate, prosperous, and enviable) is the man who walks and lives not in the counsel of the ungodly [following their advice, their plans and purposes], nor stands [submissive and inactive] in the path where sinners walk, nor sits down [to relax and rest] where the scornful [and the mockers] gather. But his delight and desire are in the law of the Lord, and on His law (the precepts, the instructions, the teachings of God) he habitually meditates (ponders and studies) by day and by night. And he shall be like a tree firmly planted [and tended] by the streams of water, ready to bring forth its fruit in its season; its leaf also shall not fade or wither; and everything he does shall prosper [and come to maturity]. But it’s ONLY when our delight and desire is in the Word of God and on His law (the precepts, the instructions, the teachings of God) we habitually meditate (ponder and study) by day and by night, that we can recognize and avoid the destructive danger of ungodly counsel and be blessed when our stand for marriage restoration prospers and comes to maturity. In other words, we can’t possibly recognize ungodly counsel if we don’t know the Word of God since anything contrary or in opposition to the written Word of God is ungodly.

Even though there are many examples of the counsel provided by most pastors and Christian counselors that are totally contrary to the Word of God and lead to the demise of so many marriages, the following are just a few of the most common.

The first thing most pastors and counselors ask couples to do is to discuss their grievances with each other in great detail; requiring them to dig into the past and relive all of the painful and hurtful things that caused their problems in the first place, which naturally brings up all of those emotions along with the anger, resentment and bitterness that usually accompany them.. So right off the bat, that’s contrary to what Paul taught in Philippians 3:12-14, where he said Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Unfortunately, reliving and examining past failures, wrongs and offenses does not and can not promote or nurture love based on the following verses of scripture:
1 Peter 4:8 – Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
Proverbs 10:12 – em>Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.
Proverbs 17:9 – He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
So based on God’s Word, we shouldn’t be at all surprised that repeating past offenses leads to separation instead of restoration. And asking men and women to dig up the past clearly flies in the face of God’s instructions to forgive each other as He forgives us (Colossians 3:13). And that means forgiving whatever has been done against us for our own sake and remembering it no more; just as God does according to Isaiah 43:25; “I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more. And that’s confirmed again in Hebrews 8:12, which says For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” So digging up and reliving past offenses is obviously not in keeping with the counsel of God’s Word; thus exactly what the Bible considers counsel of the ungodly and warns us to avoid if we want to be BLESSED!

Almost without exception, pastors and Christian counselors advise men and women standing for marriage restoration that their spouses have “free will” and that God won’t make them do anything they don’t want to do. But that’s just not true based on the Word of God. In fact, it’s so contrary to the Word that it’s been the topic for numerous Seeds Of Faith posts, such as Revisiting the Doctrine of Free Will. The false doctrine of “free will” might well do more damage to marriage restoration than any other ungodly counsel, because it’s not possible to effectively stand for marriage restoration without recognizing that man’s will NEVER succeeds against the will, plan and purpose of God Almighty!

One of the most unfortunate things pastors and counselors tend to do is pit one spouse against the other, and they almost always take sides instead of helping them better understand their respective roles based on God’s Word. Even as pastors and Christian counselors, they rarely refer to God’s Word concerning marriage; such as God hates divorce and that HE said marriage is a one flesh covenant that NO MAN should put asunder. They don’t remind couples that NOTHING is impossible with God or that His grace is sufficient and that we can do ALL things through Christ Jesus Who strengthens us; because they just don’t believe it. So either the husband or wife or both end up feeling like total failures, worthless, inadequate and that their marriage is hopeless and damaged beyond repair, and they give up and often give in to ungodly behavior they might well have been willing to resist if given even a little bit of hope for restoration and the marriage they always wanted but weren’t able to attain. And the ONLY way to help men and women attain the marriages God always intended is to teach them how to live according to God’s Word. Yet that is not the counsel given by most pastors or Christian counselors today, which is why it’s often so destructive and actually a hindrance to marriage restoration. The only marriage counseling any of us should ever consider is that found in the Word of God, meaning that those we rely on for help when we need support and encouragement to stand on the power and promise of God’s Word for the restoration of our marriages should simply be facillitators to help us better understand HIS counsel.

As Jesus made undeniably clear in Luke 6:46-49, when we hear His words and PRACTICE them, our homes can’t be shaken and they will withstand the storms of life. But when we hear His words and DON’T PRACTICE them, our homes can’t withstand the storms of life and they will come down with a great crash and their destruction will be complete. So ANY counsel contrary to the Word is indeed ungodly counsel and instead of being blessed with marriage restoration when we listen to it, believing and acting on such counsel will likely lead to our marriages being utterly put asunder and destroyed. But when we walk and live in the wise and good counsel of God’s Word, we will indeed be blessed and encouraged and our marriages will be restored; all for the glory of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

Posted Thursday, September 4th, 2008 at 10:48 pm in Seeds Of Faith.