Growing Pains
Everyone standing for marriage restoration knows all about the seemingly unbearable pain, disappointment and sense of rejection experienced when one’s spouse chooses to abandon their marriage vows, and no amount of faith in God keeps anyone from feeling that. Yet, in the same way there is no sin in being tempted, only in how we might respond when tempted, God is a lot more concerned about how we respond when dealing with separation and divorce than with our human emotions. So we have to look to His Word to understand what God expects of us and His purpose is in allowing this time in our lives. And we gain valuable insight into that by reading today’s devotional by Dr. Charles Stanley, The Path of Brokenness, which was a powerful message shared by one of the FAM members on the private website this morning.
When we recognize that God does indeed have a purpose for what we’re going through right now, and that His purpose is always for our good and to bring glory to Jesus Christ, the best thing to do is to yield to His purpose and accept that our circumstances can be used for the Lord’s glory and be worked to our good, as promised in Romans 8:28 (NASB), which says And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. And since the Word assures us that the Lord is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8), and Genesis 50:20 states You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives., we have God’s Word that HE is indeed allowing AND USING EVERYTHING that we’re going through for our good and to save many others; all of which He does for the praise and glory of Jesus Christ. And that’s confirmed in Ephesians 1:11-14, which says In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.
So we have to ask ourselves IF we REALLY believe God’s Word; because if we TRULY believe it, it has the power to bring peace, healing and joy to our hearts, minds and spirits in the very midst of our trials, and just like Peter, as long as we keep our eyes on Jesus, we can safely walk above the storms raging around us. But as soon as we begin to look at our circumstances and what we see our spouses doing or not doing and what we hear or don’t hear them saying, we are going to sink (Matthew 14)!
Just about every man and woman standing for marriage restoration that I’ve ever talked to has at some time or another said “It’s hard…I just can’t do this.”…or something very similar. And that’s true, because we can’t AS LONG AS WE KEEP TRYING TO DO IT IN OUR OWN STRENGTH! But as Ephesians 1:14 says, Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory. So our ability to walk out what God has called us to do for the glory of Jesus Christ is GUARANTEED through the Holy Spirit at work in us! Even Jesus Himself told us that apart from Him, we can’t do ANYTHING, but that when we remain in Him and His Word remains in us, we can bear much fruit and that WHATEVER we ask will be given to us (John 15:5-7!
Sadly, in addition to demonstrating that we are standing for marriage restoration in our own strength when we focus more on how hard it is or conclude that we can’t do it, we are actually calling God a liar or saying that we don’t believe in the power and promise of His Word, because 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NKJV) says And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. And Philippians 4:13 says I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Therefore, many men and women standing for marriage restoration have allowed their thoughts of hopelessness and giving up to become strongholds in their hearts, minds or spirits and they aren’t even attempting to take them captive by making them obedient to Christ/the Word of God, even though they are clearly arguments and pretensions setting themselves up against the knowledge of God (2 Corinthians 10:3-6).
Unfortunately, few Christians realize that the Bible actually tells us that we are indeed going to suffer as Christians. In fac, Romans 8:17 leaves no doubt of that, because it says Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. Yet we seem to want and expect to experience the glory of Christ without sharing in His suffering, which just isn’t going to happen. Jesus made that very clear in Luke 9:23, which says Then he said to them all: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. By saying that we have to take up our crosses to follow Him, Jesus obviously meant that we have to crucify our flesh every day; probably many times a day! But most of us have not yet mastered denying ourselves and taking up our crosses, which is why we tend to be focused on OUR pain, disappointment, and feelings of rejection instead of recognizing how much Jesus suffered to give us victory over every weapon brought against us and our marriages. Yet, for some reason, it seems easier to see ourselves as victims instead of the victors Jesus died to make us. But what a difference it makes when we understand the power and promise of Romans 5:3-5, which says Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
So instead of being overwhelmed by our emotions, we should embrace them as the growing pains necessary to get us where God wants us and that He does indeed have purpose in allowing our present trials and that it’s all meant for our good and for His glory. Yes, even in our suffering, God has purpose, as we see in 2 Corinthians 1, which says Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. So instead of focusing on the pain, disappointment, and rejection of separation and divorce, let’s follow Jesus and glorify Him by taking up our crosses each day as we walk through this time to the glorious and victorious futures God already has planned for us when we allow our suffering to be used for His glory and to help bring comfort to others we encounter on God’s predestined journey to our fully restored marriages and families! And when we learn to embrace and yield to the work God is doing in and through us, we will indeed be blessed and encouraged beyond belief as we grow in our walk and relationship with the Lord!
You know, Linda, it is amazing how the Holy Spirit works through you! I have been feeling very sorrowful and discouraged lately and did not know how to express what I was feeling. I’ve been wanting to be reminded why I am standing; why I am believing when the world around me just says “give up already!” Reading your post today just “hit the nail on the head.” Thankyou once again for making yourself available to bring us the truth.
The Path of Brokenness is very powerful! It gave me a sudden realization that perhaps we hold on to “dead” marriages, and spouses that are “dead” in heart or spirit. Sometimes we have these conflicts within ourselves and our relationships when there is a need to grow and we resist the growth. When we resist the growth, I believe it grieves the Lord. I believe my marriage wasn’t growing into God’s will and it grieved the Lord. This passage helps me to let go of the “dead” relationship and my husband in his current place in life, so the growth can happen in both of us and our marriage. Many times I begged God to send my husband home and he’s asked me in earnest if I “really wanted him home the way he is” at that point. Then I’d back off and rest in the Lord again. Letting go is hard because of the fear of what won’t come back. But we have to focus on what WILL come back and confess it out of our mouths daily! We must know that if we let go, God can work it all out!
Jeni, it is always interesting to see how a “theme” seems to run through the ministry, and since I try to post based on what I’m hearing from the men and women I talk to, it doesn’t surprise me when someone else is touched by it as well. After all, even though all of our situations are so different, there’s still so much about it all that’s the same for all of us. But I appreciate your kind words; it’s always a blessing to know the Lord uses my efforts to help and bless others in their stand for His plan for marriage restoration. Thanks!
Yes, Teresa, letting go is probably the single most difficult challenge for everyone standing for marriage restoration, but that’s what trusting God is all about. And He often uses our brokenness to get us there. But I do want to caution you not to fall into the trap of thinking or expecting that your husband will necessarily be changed when he comes home, because my experience is that they rarely are. And God calls us to love, respect and honor them unconditionally and when we continue to have a consciousness toward their flaws, it’s difficult to do that.
If you had an opportunity to talk to men and women with restored marriages, I’m pretty sure they would likely tell you that the hardest work of marriage restoration began AFTER their spouses came back home pretty much UNCHANGED; and often broken, defeated, and even angry and defiant. When we look at the examples provided of returning prodigals in the Bible, we see that neither Gomer or the prodigal son came home repentant and changed; they came back home because of their circumstances and they knew they would be better off there than where they were. But it was the love of an obedient, devoted and loving husband and father who created the atmosphere of forgiveness and redemption that then made healing and restoration possible. So perhaps the answer God wants from all of us is that we are indeed willing to trust Him and be obedient for the sake of His Word and not set up or mistakenly expect certain conditions for the return of our spouses; He’s always alot more concerned with OUR hearts and that’s the change He is most interested in making in all of us prior to the restoration of our marriages. Otherwise, we’ll just end up in the same place again when we revert to old habits and patterns when under the stress and pressure that often accompanies the return of our spouses, especially after a long time.
Even though it took me a LONG time to get it, I finally realized that “letting go and letting God” means that we don’t have to KNOW what, where, when or how God will do whatever He’s going to do, because we TRUST Him and know that it doesn’t matter whether or not we know or understand. There’s no faith in needing to know or understand; we just have to believe in the power and promise of His Word and that He WILL do exactly what His Word says when we learn to trust and obey Him and DO what His Word tells US to do!