Learning to Forgive in Faith and Forget it!
(Note from Linda: The following was posted on the private website over the weekend and really struck a cord with so many of the FAM members, as I’m sure it will with so many. So I thank MNO (member name omitted) for permission to post it here as well. The Bible makes it unmistakably clear that we MUST forgive our spouses, the NCPs (non-covenant person) and everyone else, and that until we do, we might as well not expect the Lord to hear and answer our prayers for anything, much less the restoration of our marriages. So I hope and pray that MNO’s message will bless and encourage everyone as you realize how important forgiveness is and what a difference it makes when we do!)
Throughout my journey TO complete marriage restoration, FORGIVENESS has been on the forefront. Like many STANDING spouses, I’ve had to deal with forgiveness in a way I never imagined. After all, I come from a long line of family members who have been married for years. So for me, separation and most certainly divorce was never an option. Both my spouse’s parents and mine had been married for more years than we had existed when we were married in our early twenties. Nevertheless, the UNTHINKABLE happened!
So I had to reach deep down within myself to find the courage in faith to forgive my husband for what many consider THE “unpardonable” sin, according to the world’s standards. And even in Christendom, many spiritual leaders and lay people are quick to point men and women in our circumstances, to Matthew 5:32 , 19:9 and 1 Corinthians 7:15, as a “way of escape” as they encourage us to be realistic and not to deny the reality of our situation. But they rarely acknowledge or refer us to the instruction found in Malachi 2; much less the fact that God HATES divorce and the treachery of marital separation; or to the majority of passages of scripture on the subject that make it very clear that God views marriage as a lifetime covenant and commitment, as declared in 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, Matthew 9:4-6 and Romans 7:2-3, along with many others. Unfortunately, they don’t believe what Jesus said in Matthew 19:26, which says Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
But as standers, we do believe that and even though the reality of a stander’s situation may appear more like Mission Impossible to everyone else; to us it’s more about getting Back To The Future. It’s about walking in faith and holding on to the promises of our God-ordained futures that we know already exists instead of looking back at the past or allowing our present circumstances to determine our destiny.
Yet as we seek to move forward with expectancy, we have to work through forgiveness from a two-fold perspective, because just as we find the grace and strength to forgive our spouses, we have to forgive ourselves as well. I remember the first time God allowed me to really see how I had inadvertently contributed to the failure of my marriage, and how at that moment, I went before God and said “God, I thank you for forgiving me, when I didn’t even think I needed forgiveness. God I thank you for forgiving the ways I contributed to the breakdown of my marriage. Forgive me for those times I took my husband for granted. Forgive me for those times I hurt him with my tongue. Forgive me for those times I didn’t build him up as much as I could have and should have, and as much as I know he needed me to. Lord, forgive me for not praying for him as I should have been. Forgive me for not calling him forth as a mighty man of God as I should’ve. Forgive me for neglecting him in ways I didn’t even know I could. Forgive me, God, for all of the ways I know now and all of the ways I have not yet recognized as contributing factors to the breakdown of my marriage.”
Then came the moment when I had to look into the mirror and say “God, help me to forgive myself. Help me to forgive myself for not recognizing the signs of a marriage gone bad. Forgive me for not going out of my way to make sure that my husband and I remained in close partnership and communication while we were apart. Forgive me for allowing my marriage to fall right into the hands of the enemy. FORGIVE ME GOD!”
And months later, God moved me into the next phase of forgiveness, which is so much easier said than done for most of us…forgetting. How do we forget the devastation of knowing that our spouses have been unfaithful? How do we forget hearing the words STANDERS often hear; “I don’t love you anymore. I’ve fallen in love with someone else.”? Only by learning to walk in faith and cast down every imagination that exalts itself above the knowledge of our God (2 Corinthians 10:5) and His promises for us and by believing that God will give us whatever we need to prosper as we move forward with our lives expecting a MIRACLE.
For me, that means daily declaring and decreeing that I walk in forgiveness and love toward my spouse. But the other strategy God gave me Whenever the enemy attempts to launch fiery darts of past conversations and imaginary images into my mind is to simply and as a matter of fact declare that “I forgive my spouse.”. As these declarations come out of my mouth and even into my thoughts, GOD CAUSES LIFE TO COME FORTH (Proverbs 18:21) out of a seemingly dead situation. And we have to realize that our words are just as powerful as God’s words when we speak HIS words in FAITH. That’s why it is so important to pray the scriptures that apply to us over ourselves, our marriages and our spouses. God’s word will not return to Him void! His words WILL accomplish everything He sent them to do (Isaiah 55:11)!
As I continued to ponder on what it really means to FORGIVE AND FORGET, God kept stressing that true forgiveness IS forgetting! That’s right; since God says he will never recall our sins (Hebrews 8:10-13) and he requires us to forgive others in order that He may also forgive us; then we truly have to work on forgetting everything that hurts and disappoints us. And that’s the only way we can avoid holding it against our spouses when God brings them back home.
For me, that meant deleting every email between my husband and me in which so many fiery darts were sent my way as he tried to explain and justify how this all happened. I woke up one morning after completing a three day fast and KNEW that it was time to DELETE away; realizing that holding on to the emails symbolized my holding on to the past, pain and disappointment, and to unforgiveness. And as standers, none of us can afford to do that. Too much is at stake.
So if you’re having trouble truly forgiving and forgetting, ask God to reveal to you a unique strategy that works for you so you can wake up every day knowing that you are indeed one step and one day closer to the manifestation of your marriage restoration and reconciliation MIRACLE.
Dear Lord,
As we STAND IN FAITH, show us how to truly FORGIVE IN FAITH AND FORGET IT! Help us not lean to our own understanding as we STAND and believe You for the total restoration of our marriages. God, I know that You are able to restore and bring new life to every dead thing. So we STAND TALL AND FIRM on the power and promise of Your Word for the RESTORATION OF our marriages to our dear spouses, for which You have called us to stand.
Thank You for restoring every area of our marriages by first restoring us each individually. Thank You,God, for restoring and upgrading our relationships with YOU. And we thank You that what You are doing and about to do in our marriages will exist as a TESTIMONY of what YOU ARE ABLE TO DO, if we only believe and allow YOU to work in us first.
God, I thank You that no weapon formed against our marriages shall prosper. I thank You that what you have put together between me and my spouse, can’t be put asunder because You ordained our marriages and YOU are upholding our covenants with You and our spouses.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.