After reading Stephanie’s post, God Can and Will Turn a Prodigal’s Heart, and crying the whole way through, I felt the need to write this post. Not only did Stephanie seem to be describing exactly how things were in my marriage–both before and after SNO (spouse name omitted) left, but I could also relate to how much SNO really did change when I just let him go. And the changes that took place in his heart when I began showing him unconditional love, grace and respect were nothing short of God’s miraculous work of restoration!

But God’s work of restoration was done in both my heart and SNO’s and never in a million years could I have imagined that I would have changed so radically and so quickly, that my own heart would turn from stone to flesh. After all, I thought I was dealing with “my husband’s sin problem” and I was being a saint…so perfectly sweet and innocent, and just waiting for him to come back to his senses. Of course, God dealt with my pride rather quickly and before I knew it, I was showing my husband, a man who tried everything to prove to himself and the NCP that he was never coming home, true love, respect, honor, grace and compassion. But because change is a process, I would still struggle every now and then, and would fail to rely on God. Yes, I still believed there was something–some magical sentence I could utter that would make him come home. I actually remember SNO text messaging me one night and telling me how bad his life had become and how bad things with the NCP were. I took things into my own hands and responded with”I am praying for you, and I know one day God will bring you back to me.” Well, he immediately wrote back in anger and said that because of that text message, he no longer felt comfortable and even called me saying how out of line that was. He stated that this was his choice and just when he thought I got it, I blew it.

But that same sentence could come out of my mouth today, and SNO would not even bat an eyelash, because he has made it very clear that this is where he wants to be. The problem was that at that time, despite all he was going through, that’s where he wanted to be. He wanted to be with the NCP and he was willing to endure all of the troubles because to him, that was better than what awaited him at home. And telling him I knew God would bring him back to me, was condescending. First, it was a reminder to him that God didn’t approve of what he was doing, and as Stephanie pointed out, prodigals are already aware of that and are running from God. Secondly, it was saying that no matter how hard he tried to make things work in his new situation, it was still all just a terrible mistake and that he would come crawling home. At least that’ was the message HE got from it.

Through the course of my stand, I have gone from amazingly clingy and desperate to calm and peaceful. And the days when I was clingy and desperate were the coldest and hardest days, especially since my husband would respond by intentionally saying things to me that brought me to endless tears. When I refused to let him go, he tried to make me do it by being cruel and cold. But once I let him go and gave everything to God, I finally experienced peace, and the peace that surpasses all understanding, as described in Philippians 4:5-7, surrounded me. And my husband responded by establishing a new friendship with me because he was so drawn to me, and the peace I had was something he wanted too.

Interestingly enough, that same peace started to make the NCP feel insecure, and all of the freedom she once promised SNO vanished. So SNO would often intentionally try his hardest to be cruel to me when in front of the NCP, but I would respond in love. He would yell about the shoes the kids were wearing being too big, and I would just listen to him and thank him for noticing and looking out for them. He was always late picking up the kids and when dropping them off, but I just let it all go. And he seldom returned them with the clothes; clothes I had really struggled to pay for! But I didn’t pick a fight, as I knew he was testing me. Not only was that an act for the NCP, but it was his way of testing me to “prove” that I really hadn’t changed.

Of course, the NCP felt much more secure in her relationship with him when I was bitter and angry. But once I started changing and was humble and respectful NO MATTER the circumstance, she became the clingy one showing signs of desperation. And, yes, the NCP’s clingy tendencies and desperation began to chase SNO away and she ended up chasing him back to where he belongs! And he looked forward to talking to me and stopping by the house, if only for fifteen minutes at a time. We would joke around and our conversations were light and fun. We didn’t go into stressful topics and I made sure to have a gentle and quiet spirit and keep my mouth shut about my desires for him to return home. We just learned how to enjoy each others company again and for a season, we saw each other frequently, talked on the phone, text messaged each other constantly and even chatted on Instant Messenger. And being cruel to me in front of the NCP became much more difficult, because he was falling in love with me all over again. Of course, that made the NCP even more insecure and things behind closed doors for the two of them became increasingly heated and stressful.

Fortunately, the NCP and I don’t have to talk on the phone about things involving the kids now, as we once did. SNO used to toss the phone to her and yell ”I’m not dealing with her anymore.” and leave it to her to finish the conversation about whatever matter we were discussing; such as doctor’s appointments and schedules. He no longer puts on a show the way he once did for the NCP, and I no longer feel tested to see if the changes in me are real. Instead, things are very cordial and open between us. The NCP has become as bitter as wormwood and all her unstable ways have chased my husband’s heart back home. Although he is not home yet and still there, both he and I agree and acknowledge that things will get better and that he is coming home.

The process of change was challenging at first, but I knew I was doing it God’s way when my new attitude practically became my first reaction! And it was a great feeling when I finally “got it” and knew that I had grasped yet another important principal of marriage restoration. Not only did it make room for God to move, but it brought me closer to the Lord!

The more natural unconditional love, respect, honor, and a quiet spirit become to us, the more like Christ we become. As Colossians 3:7-10 says, You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.

I have personally witnessed the profound effects my own actions and attitude have had in my circumstances. And there’s no doubt that having a humble and quiet spirit, although difficult at first, was essential in recapturing my husband’s heart and captivating him all over again!

Posted Friday, January 30th, 2009 at 9:55 pm in Seeds Of Faith.