We’ve really been blessed to welcome a lot of new members to the FAMM family lately, because it’s always exciting to see how the Lord works in their hearts and lives and in the restoration of their marriages and families. And since we have so many new members and a lot of new visitors to the public website who are “new” to standing for marriage restoration, and likely struggling with a lot of the same issues, I want to address some of those issues because we ALL have to learn HOW to stand for marriage restoration according to God’s Word. Like everyone else, we ALL knew to stand LONG before we knew HOW to do it, so I encourage everyone new to standing for marriage restoration to go back into the archives of the public website (Seeds Of Faith posts) and the private site for our new FAM Fellowship members, because there’s an awful lot of information available on both sites about standing for our marriages the way God wants us to stand, which is ALWAYS according to HIS Word.

Since one of the first things we have to learn is that there isn’t anything WE can do about what our spouses are or are not doing, we have to give ALL of their issues to God and focus on what He wants to do in US. The work of marriage restoration is always done in the SUPERNATURAL and when we allow the Lord to work in us, we release His SUPERNATURAL power to work on our behalf as we stand in faith and obedience on the power and promise of His Word for the restoration of our marriages, and HE can and will change the hearts and minds of our spouses in that process. But we can’t and the more we try, the worse we make things. So read Letting Go and Being Spouses of Noble Character, for more about that. And read We Can’t Afford to Play the Blame Game, because when we do, we’re being disobedient to the Word and prideful…thinking we can do what God specifically declares HE will do is an attempt to elevate ourselves to His level, which is exactly what got Satan thrown out of heaven. And the Bible warns that pride goes before destruction (Proverbs 16:18); not to mention that God OPPOSES the proud (1 Peter 5:5-6). But HE gives grace to the humble and in due time lifts those who humble themselves under His mighty hand!

And it’s VERY important to understand that God does not want us to concern ourselves or take on dealing with anyone’s sin other than our own, which is abundantly clear when we read 2 Corinthians 10:6, Matthew 7:1-5, John 8:3-11 and Luke 18:9-14, where Jesus left no doubt about that based on what He taught in The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector, which says: To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’
“But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’ “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.” Furthermore, this powerful passage of scripture makes it pretty obvious that God is not at ALL impressed or pleased with our prayers about SOMEONE ELSE’S sinfulness, which Jesus made abundantly clear when He very specifically taught how we should pray in Matthew 6:5-15.

So in addition to realizing that we can’t do anything to change our spouses, we also have to realize that God commands and expects us to forgive as HE forgives, and whether we like it or not or think it’s possible or not, that also means that we have to FORGET! So read God Commands Us To Forgive AND Forget, which is a previous Seeds Of Faith post dealing with that. Therefore we have to be very careful not to let unforgiveness become an obstacle to the restoration of our marriages, as shared in another SOF post, Avoiding Unforgiveness as an Obstacle to Marriage Restoration.

And even though it’s often very confusing when we get mixed signals from our spouses and can’t understand what’s going on, usually the result of their double mindedness, we can’t fall into the devil’s trap of trying to understand or explain our spouses’ behavior; particularly when it makes no sense! And we can’t forget that God very specifically instructs us to trust HIM with ALL of our hearts, NOT to lean to our own understanding, and to acknowledge HIM in ALL OF OUR WAYS (Proverbs 3:5-6). And even though that’s a huge temptation for all of us, we can’t give in to it, which is why it has often been the topic of previous SOF posts; such as Overcoming Confusion And Uncertainty and Avoiding the Pitfall of Leaning to our own Understanding.
We also need to be careful when it comes to questioning the salvation of our spouses because of apparent sin in their lives. After all, even though God Himself said that David was a man after His own heart, we know that David committed both adultery and murder. And if we fall into the trap of thinking that way, we ourselves are in danger because it’s ONLY by the grace of God that we are as we are, and not doing the very same things our spouses have done or are doing. And 1 Corinthians 10:12 clearly warns that we must be careful when we think WE are standing firm, because we ourselves are NOT incapable of falling. And in the eyes of God, our spouses’ sin and failure to heed God’s Word is no greater than ours; because to God, sin is sin and unless we are perfect, we should not be casting stones at others; especially our spouses because that is the kiss of death to marriage restoration.

So as we stand for marriage restoration, it’s very important to realize that we can’t experience the fullest blessings God wants to give us as long as we see ourselves as victims, which we obviously do as long as we continue to talk about our pain, hurt and our spouses’ mistakes and misdeeds and how much harm they have caused us…or even pat ourselves on the back about how far we’ve come because we’re better at “hiding” our pain and distress now. However, God is a lot more concerned with what’s in our hearts and we can’t EVER “hide” anything from Him. And when we truly learn to forgive and forget, we won’t remain so focused on our identity as victims, so read Deciding to Give up our identity as Victims, which should make that easier to understand. Therefore, may our hearts always be filled with love and compassion for our spouses as we release our pain and choose to be the victors Jesus died to make us. May we all focus on our many blessings and refuse to be the victims Satan wants us to be. And may every man and woman standing for marriage restoration know the peace of God that comes ONLY through the renewing of our minds, regardless of our circumstances, as written about in Peace Through The Renewing Of Our Minds. And we ALL must remember that God is NOT the author of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33 NKJV). So when we do struggle with confusion, it’s important to realize that the devil is just coming to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10). And since we know that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23), it’s obvious that ALL contrary feelings, thoughts, emotions and actions are not of God; therefore they are of the devil, and Jesus left no doubt about what the devil ALWAYS comes to do, so we have to take those thoughts captive and MAKE them obedient to Jesus Christ and the Word (2 Corinthians 10:3-5 and John 1:14)!

And while it’s very good that many of us have learned to control our reactions when our spouses say or do something to upset us, they know us well enough to see it in our eyes, body language or even hear it in the tone of our voices; which is why it is VITALLY important to allow the Holy Spirit to do the work God wants to do in OUR hearts. Then we can truly be the wives and husbands described in 1 Peter 3:1-12 and Ephesians 5:21-33, which we can be absolutely certain our spouses will find totally irresistible! So, as women, when we have a difficult time understanding how our husbands can be so disobedient to the Word of God, we should just read 1 Peter 3:1-6 again and just ask ourselves how obedient WE have been!” And then if we read Ephesians 5:22-24, most of us have to admit that we’ve actually been very disobedient; since it says…Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. And as difficult as it might be to understand or believe, nothing our husbands have done or are doing is any worse in the eyes of God than our failure as wives to respect, honor and submit to them, and our failure to do so has played a huge part in what they have done. As Proverbs 21:9 declares…Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. And that was deemed to be SO important that it was repeated again word for word in Proverbs 25:24! And the same thing was restated in Proverbs 19:13 and Proverbs 27:15! And something I’ve definitely learned in marriage restoration ministry is that there really isn’t ANY place a man would rather be than with his wife and kids; but there is ONE thing he wants more…and that’s PEACE!
And for husbands who struggle with thoughts of their wives’ disobedience to God, just read 1 Peter 3:7 again and honestly ask how obedient YOU have been. And then read Ephesians 5:25-33 and take measure of your own disobedience; because it says…Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. And when husbands learn to love and treat their wives as instructed here, there’s no doubt that their wives will respect and honor them. And BOTH husbands and wives have to read and put into practice the wise counsel of Ephesians 5:21, which says…Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. And as I have experienced personally, and as I know MANY of our members can also attest to, the greatest changes were made in me when I was TRULY grieved by the recognition of all of MY mistakes and the pain I caused my husband, which totally changed my perspective concerning everything he had done and who had actually done the greatest harm to our marriage. So I hope and pray that something shared here will help give new standers a different perspective and that we will let the Lord do the work He wants to do in US, which has to be done BEFORE He restores our marriages; otherwise we would just end up in the same place again, and that’s just not God’s way.

Finally, it’s VITALLY important to understand that one of the most harmful things we can do (and have most likely already done) to our spouses is run our mouths about everything they have done to hurt and wrong us to family and friends; which really hinders restoration. We are to COVER our spouses’ nakedness; not expose them and their short comings to all who will listen. Keep in mind that our spouses will have to face our families and friends and everything we have said about them when our marriages are restored. Yes, it’s difficult to resist the need to have the sympathy and comfort of family and friends, but at what cost? For more about covering our spouses’ nakedness with family, friends, and especially our children, read Covering Up His Nakedness, which was more specifically written for women before the guys joined the fellowship; but a lot of it applies to you guys too!

The really GOOD NEWS is that God is ALWAYS faithful to complete the good work He begins, and He has obviously begun a good work in those He has brought to FAMM and called to stand for marriage restoration, and He WILL be ever so faithful to complete it! He is using this time to mold and shape us into the spouses He wants us to be, and in the end, we will have much better, more joy filled and blessed marriages than ever before. There’s always a battle going on between our spouses’ heads and hearts, but their hearts will ultimately win if we just allow the Lord to do the work He wants to do in US first! And we are the ones most blessed when we do that because WE will have peace like we’ve never had before; not to mention that our wayward spouses are drawn to our peace, which pages of testimonies on the private site prove. So we are all honored to stand together as the Lord works to fully restore our marriages and families and to be a source of support and encouragement for each other along the way! And there’s no doubt that we will be blessed and encouraged beyond belief when we learn to stand for the restoration of our marriages according to the Word of God and for the glory of Jesus Christ, because GOD ALWAYS DOES WHATEVER IT TAKES to bring His Word and plan to pass (Isaiah 46:10-11 and Isaiah 55:10-11

Posted Sunday, March 22nd, 2009 at 3:33 pm in Seeds Of Faith.