Since one of the most rewarding blessings of marriage restoration ministry is witnessing what happens when God replaces a heart of stone with a heart of flesh and the resulting miracles of restoration on so many levels, I asked MNO (member name omitted) for her permission to share the testimony she recently posted on the private website here. I know this is something all of us can relate to, and I hope and pray that it will make many others examine their own hearts and ask the Lord to reveal and remove anything in them that displeases Him as David did in Psalm 139:23-24. As MNO shared so powerfully, the resulting peace and joy of a transformed heart truly is unspeakable, so I’m thankful for her willingness to let me share the word of her testimony here that it might bless others as it has all of us in the FAM Fellowship! Be blessed and encouraged in the Lord as you too seek a new heart!

Hello Everyone,

A lot has happened since my last post, and there have been many tests and trials; some I have failed when my flesh wanted to shine, and some I have passed by allowing the Lord to have His way. But I’m still standing on the Solid Rock of Jesus Christ, and since being served with divorce papers, I have scheduled the families in transitions (FIT) classes) and am now starting to seek employment. So, after the Lord’s breaking and shaking, I have come to a place of real surrender. When I came to FAMM, I came looking for the restoration of my marriage, but now I see that I needed restoration in my relationship with the Father.

I truly believed that I was a good wife, that I did not deserve to be divorced by my husband and that I should be the one divorcing him. I even felt that I was denied that opportunity, which I now realize was pride because I was rejected and I wanted to be the one to reject him. I had helped build our business together…how could he abandon me…the Mother of his children…the one who left my career to raise our children, which is what we both decided was best…how could he do this to me! How could he tell me that I needed to get my annual medical exams done because I will no longer have insurance (which he has since said he will pay for)! How could he reject me, a good wife who cooked and cleaned and washed his clothes, took care of him and was there for him…or so I thought! How would this make me look to our families and friends, and my church family…I felt so humiliated and ashamed! Those things hurt so much, and I just kept asking how my husband could do this to me, his wife, his biggest supporter and the mother of his children.

Well, little did I know how the heart transplant I asked the Lord for (Ezekiel 11:19), along with asking Him to search my heart (Psalm 139:23-24), would reveal to me how I was not the wife that I needed to be, how I resented my husband because I felt he was ungrateful, and how PRIDE, PRIDE, PRIDE continued to build up in my heart until it became a heart of stone. Even though I was praying for the Lord to convict my husband, I didn’t have real compassion for him; just pure resentment, and I couldn’t cover him (Proverbs 10:12 and Proverbs 17:9) with a heart like that. And the Lord reminded me of the first few years of our marriage when I was so selfish, and felt that my husband loved me so much that he would never leave me. He reminded me of the times when I actually made him cry and threatened him with divorce over and over again; not knowing the seed I was planting. I didn’t know the damage I was doing, and when I realized it years later and apologize to him, the root had already been established and here we are in the very situation I never thought possible. But I count it all joy, for greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world!

My husband recently shared that when his Lawyer told him that I would be served with divorce papers, he asked if there was any other way to send them because he did not want to hurt me in that way. And I saw the pain in his eyes and believed him; yet I used to think that he enjoyed hurting me. So I asked if he was sure he wanted to do this, which Linda later pointed out was an attempt to put him under condemnation and that I shouldn’t have said that, so I repented.

I could not forgive my husband with my old heart because I was afraid of so many things and I thought it would make me look like a door mat…a foot stool. But now, for Christ to dwell in my heart, I surrender my all to Him so that it’s not my will, but His that will ultimately be done. One of my favorite scriptures is Philippians 3:10…I want to know Christ and the Power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in death. Oh, how I loved this scripture; especially the resurrection part, but not the suffering. Yet I now know the resurrection was so powerful because of the suffering, the shame and humiliation of the cross, and now embrace knowing my Lord like never before. Is it easy? No way! Is it worth it? Yes, it is!

The Lord also showed me that I did not cover my husband’s nakedness, and told people about what he did (and even though I thought it wasn’t that many, it was too many). I never had a quiet and gentle spirit (1 Peter 3:1-6), and when the Lord turned the mirror on me, I saw how I had destroyed my marriage in so many ways. Although I cooked, cleaned, washed, and kept a clean and immaculate home, my heart was not the way God wanted it to be. So I saw how the enemy had an opportunity to come in through me, and I wept and wept; tears of sadness, and then tears of joy because I finally get it! And I thank God that I am a stander, and standing on the solid Rock of Christ. I need restoration with my Lord before my marriage can be restored, and I want that and to be molded and shaped God’s way. So I will eat lots of humble pie, which sure does taste a lot better than being filled with filthy pride. And I now understand that I must be restored in my walk and relationship with the Lord to become a “Proverbs 31 woman.” So I do “get it” and thank God for Linda and all of you at FAMM)!

Yes, I want my husband home and I want my family back together, but most importantly, I see the Hand of God at work in me and through me and I would not want to go back to that place before my heart transplant; which was a place of resentment, bitterness and a place of deep sadness. But now I really do have joy; unspeakable joy, for the joy of the Lord is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10). And I have peace that one of my closest friends can’t understand, but I now realize that she doesn’t need to know any details about what is going on with my husband and marriage; what God has put together, let no man put asunder (Mark 10:7-9). He is my husband, bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh (Genesis 2:23) and we are one! The healing that has taken place in me since joining FAMM is so remarkable to me, and I don’t ever want to go back! I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it, But one thing I do; Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:13-14).

So I continue to give the Lord my shame, my pain, my fear, my bitterness and my unforgiveness, and allowing Him to shape my heart of flesh into what He wants it to be; a heart to know Him (Jeremiah 24:7) and a heart that loves and forgives. I thank God for His mercy upon my life, His grace, His patience, His love in spite of my former condition and that He never left or forsook me! And now my confidence and my trust are in Him (Jeremiah 17:7-8)! I thank the Lord for not giving up on me, and I will not give up on my husband and will cover him, pray for him and love him; not my way, but God’s way.

Posted Monday, February 7th, 2011 at 2:00 pm in Seeds Of Faith.