Sharing one Spouse’s Insight AFTER Marriage Restoration!
FAMM is extremely blessed that so many of our members remain active in the fellowship even after their marriages are restored, because they provide such unique insight and encouragement. In fact, three of our Board members have already been blessed with marriage restoration, and offer tremendous support and encouragement for those still waiting for that blessed day! Karla, who has a Restored Marriage and was just elected to serve on the FAMM Board of Directors last night, posted a wonderful After Marriage Restoration testimony on the private website today, which I know will be a great blessing to everyone standing for marriage restoration; especially since it is based on insight provided by her husband! So I thank SNO (spouse name omitted) for his willingness to share his insight for the benefit of others still waiting for their marriages to be restored and for Karla’s permission to share her post here.
As I read Karla’s post earlier today, several things ran through my mind. One was how she overcame one of the biggest challenges for men and women standing for marriage restoration, and made a DECISION to STOP taking offense. It’s just NOT possible to bring healing and wholeness to a relationship with someone when we are constantly offended by everything they say and do; because they just feel like they can’t win with us, so why even try. And as Proverbs 17:9 says, He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. And SNO’s insight just confirms that, because Karla really had to work on NOT taking offense and leaning to her own negative understanding in response to just about everything SNO said or did; something everyone standing for marriage restoration relates to if honest. So we have to learn to TRUST GOD enough to OBEY Him and learn to DO things HIS way, because when we do, we can be ABSOLUTELY certain that HE will HONOR and UPHOLD His awesome promise in Psalm 37:5-6, which declares Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. And when we REALLY believe that, we KNOW that WE don’t have to run our mouths, nag, complain and pitch fits to defend ourselves and try to get our way; because we know that we can entrust ourselves to God as instructed in 1 Peter 2:18-25; particularly verses 21-23. And it is by NO means just a coincidence that this is the passage of scripture that comes before 1 Peter 3; which provides very specific instructions to husbands and wives and even refers BACK to this passage (in the same way) and further expounds upon it! And as SNO shared with Karla; just as soon as she stopped trying to make everything all about HER issues, and put her focus on the Lord and the work He wanted to do in HER, he noticed! In fact, later he even shared that he felt like she had taken her foot off of his lungs and he could breathe again! Now that’s a pretty powerful statement and one I sure do hope and pray that everyone standing for marriage restoration, especially if still taking offense and making everything all about THEIR issues, will get!
When Karla stopped making everything about HER feelings, HER disappointment, HER pain and HER issues, and put her focus on Jesus and even what her husband was going through, she demonstrated and experienced the power and promise of what Jesus said in Mark 9:35, which says Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, “If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all.” And then in Mark 10:29-31, Jesus even said “I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.” And one thing men and women with Restored Marriages will attest to is that they had to LET GO to GET what God was waiting to bless them with, and that it is without a doubt so much better than anything they ever had before! But without TRULY letting go and ENTRUSTING EVERYTHING TO GOD, full and complete marriage restoration is not very likely or lasting. But when we do let go and realize that we have to give our marriages, our spouses, and EVERYTHING that concerns us (and them) to the Lord as we grow in our walk and relationship with HIM, and stand in FAITH and OBEDIENCE on the power and promise of His Word, we will be blessed and encouraged and understand that the only “me” there’s room for in our marriage is HIM!
I, I, I, me, me, me……. Those are the words that my husband used to describe me in our marriage, in our separation, and had I not come to FAMM, a likely divorce. I am sure you noticed the capital I in each of those words; I did that for a reason.
It wasn’t that SNO was saying I was selfish. What he was saying was that it was always about MY pain, MY hurts, MY fears, MY needs, and MY negativity. During our marriage, if he did something to offend me, it was all about my pain…I felt this and I felt that, blah, blah, blah. During our separation, as one might imagine, it went to an all time high; I can’t believe he did that to me, I am in so much pain, I am so sad, I am so angry.
Well guess what? After I came to FAMM, and really and truly (and I emphasize really and truly) let go, it wasn’t all about me anymore. It was about God and my marriage, and my husband noticed! It was only about me in that I had a lot of work to do on myself and in my walk with Christ, and I had to come to grips with my failures as a Christian wife. And before finally letting go, I went back and read the eulogy that I had written and presented at my father’s funeral earlier this year. There I was talking about forgiving, and letting go, though I had not done either of them. And that was a hard pill to swallow.
SNO jokingly asked me the other night what I was going to write about now that he was home. He was half serious though, because he knows I have always loved to write, and he has loved reading my posts. I told him I wasn’t sure, but then God immediately put it on my heart as I sat there to ask him for his perspective so I might share it with all of you. How great is our God? How great is my husband? He said yes!! Praise God!!
So I jokingly went into “interview” mode to put him at ease and then asked if his decision to come back was a sudden one. Guess what? The answer was NO. Wow, was that a surprise! As I shared in a post last month; he noticed immediately when I let go. He felt like he could breathe again. The other thing he said he noticed was that I quit talking about my pain, my hurt, and my circumstances; he saw that it was not all about me anymore. If I started a sentence with I, it was not followed with the word “feel.” I started talking about him, how his work was going, etcetera, and I soon learned that he was in just as much pain; even though he was the one who had left each time. He said that he noticed my focus changing from me, me, me, to God, God, God.
Yes, I understand your pain all too well, because I have lived it. But I feel compelled to share that our spouses are watching us. They are listening to what we say and how we say it. They are even watching our body language and our overall attitudes. So if any of you are struggling with the “I” and “my circumstances” syndrome, please take it to God, and not your spouse in any way. Perhaps you realize that already, but it is just a reminder since SNO specifically pointed that out to me. He noticed as soon as I stopped talking and acting that way. And your spouse will too.
God deserves all the glory for allowing my husband and I to talk candidly about our marriage, and I praise HIM for helping me take the “I” out of marriage. If you look at the first letter and last letter of the word marriage, it is “me” and the only “me” God wants us to focus on is HIM. And I praise God that for the first time, He is the center of our marriage, and not ME.
Love and Blessings, Karla