Truly Forgiving means Truly Forgetting
(Note from Linda: It is amazing to see how similar themes tend to exist in the lives and circumstances of the FAM Fellowship members as God faithfully confirms a similar message in one post after another! And there’s little doubt that this week’s message is forgiving and forgetting! Without knowing what Melissa had written yesterday, one of the other FAM members with a Restored Marriage submitted the following post on the private website at almost the same time! And it too is a very important message for everyone standing for marriage restoration, so I appreciate her permission to share her insight here, because everyone who truly understands that forgiving DOES mean forgetting will be greatly blessed and encouraged as the Lord moves to restore their marriages and families the same way He did hers!)
Forgive and forget…those words go hand in hand; right? We hear these words used by pastors, and we see it written in many books; most of which are about forgiveness. As children, a lot of us were taught to forgive AND forget. And we rarely ever see or hear one of those words without the other. Yet, one of the biggest lessons I have had to learn is that we cannot truly forgive without also truly forgetting. Likewise, we cannot forget without forgiving.
God powerfully illustrates biblical forgiveness in Jeremiah 31:34, where He declared …”For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” So if we are to forgive as we are forgiven, which Jesus taught in Luke 6:37 and other verses, according to this verse, we are called to “forgive their wickedness” AND required to choose to “remember their sins no more.” But that last part is where most Christians miss the mark. I know I certainly did.
As Christians, we seem to believe that there’s a natural inclination to forgive since the bible is full of verses about forgiveness. Yet, with that being said, we struggle with true biblical forgiveness. Why? Because we don’t want to forget; we are afraid to forget, so we don’t. Not only that, I have heard pastors and esteemed Christian authors state that we should not forget; yet that is the exact opposite of what God commands us to do.
My personal struggle was the forgetting part, and oh how I struggled. Something would happen that I’d need to forgive My husband for; and I knew as a Christian I was called to forgive, so I did. However, I knew deep down in my heart that I would never forget; that was my safety net; my line of defense to protect myself. So when an offense would occur, big or small, I would forgive my husband, but not too long after I forgave, I would bring up the offense again and again; just so I could understand it…just so I could get “closure.” We would have an argument over something that was already forgiven, and in that argument, I would bring up and talk in great detail about the offense again. And not only that; while I was at it, I would bring up offense numbers 7, 13, and 362, as well as the date, time and year they occurred…just for good measure. I had not forgotten, so I had not really truly forgiven either. And as history proved, that took quite a toll on our marriage.
On the other hand, My husband tended to choose to forget; to sweep my offenses under the rug. He chose to forget so there was not even anything there to forgive. He is truly a very good natured man. He would just bury them so they would go away. But as the offenses started to pile up, there was no more room under that rug. Eventually, he had buried so many of them that he could not bury any more, so unforgiveness settled in. And that took quite a toll on our marriage as well.
When I decided to let My husband go months ago, I had to forget the things I had forgiven, and I told him that I was learning the meaning of true biblical forgiveness, and that I was choosing to remember no more. He thanked me that day, but I am certain that he did not believe me.
Forgetting past offenses was the most liberating thing I ever did; I finally had true peace. The load was off my shoulders and the burden was removed from my heart. It must have showed in my attitude, my behavior, and my overall demeanor because My husband noticed the change. And not too long after that, I believe My husband truly forgave the offenses he had forgotten, and the rest is beautiful history.
Forgive what needs to be forgiven and forget what needs to be forgotten. We can NOT do one without the other. Both are necessary in order to really “let go” and both are necessary for marriage restoration. Both are necessary for our sanity, and both are necessary because that’s what God commands us to do!
Thank you, God, for giving me the need to forgive, the strength to forget, and the wisdom to know the difference; because the wisdom YOU gave me and the ability YOU gave me to forgive and forget made ALL the difference in the world, and most importantly, in the full and complete restoration of my marriage!
Love and Blessings!