Let Us Avoid Doing the Things Love does NOT do
Since walking in unconditional love is so vitally important when seeking marriage restoration, perhaps we need to focus more on what love is not and what love does not do; especially when challenged to stand for marriage restoration when our spouses are involved in adulterous relationships and have so completely abdicated their obligations and responsibilities.
Even though none of us standing for the restoration of our marriages would ever say that we don’t love our spouses, the sad truth is that our actions very often indicate otherwise, based on what the Bible teaches about love. It would be difficult for any of us to honestly say we have really demonstrated love to our spouses when reading and thoughtfully considering 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, because it says:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. And if we take time to consider each point as we read this passage, we’d have to admit that we’ve failed in at least one or more areas. In fact, most of us have to admit that we’ve failed miserably when it comes to NOT being self-seeking, NOT being easily angered, and keeping NO record of wrongs. And we probably haven’t done much better when it comes to ALWAYS protecting, ALWAYS trusting, ALWAYS hoping, or ALWAYS persevering. And that’s just the most obvious stuff, because there are more than likely some other things in there we haven’t done so well with either! So when we’re honest, we have to admit that we haven’t loved our spouses very well. If we had, they probably wouldn’t be somewhere else right now, because as Proverbs 19:22 tells us What a man desires is unfailing love… And when it’s not available at home, we can be sure Satan will do his wicked best to fill that void with tempting and irresistible counterfeits elsewhere.
So one of the first things we have to do when standing for marriage restoration is acknowledge that we have NOT loved our spouses as they need to be loved and as the Lord commands us to love them. I honestly believe marriage restoration is NOT possible without first admitting that and learning how to love our spouses UNCONDITIONALLY; and particularly avoiding doing the things love does NOT do.
Learning to love the way God calls us to love begins by understanding that love can not be separated from God and that it’s not possible to love unconditionally without the Love of God in us, as revealed in the following verses:
1 John 4:19 – We love because he first loved us.
1 John 4:7 –
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
1 John 4:16 – And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.
1 John 4:8 – Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
John 15:12 – My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.
The ONLY way we can love our spouses as the Lord commands, is to be more like Jesus, as Ephesians 5:1-2 teaches; Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. So by its very nature, unconditional love is “sacrificial love,” as confirmed in John 15:13, which says Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. We usually take this verse to mean that we’re willing to die for our loved ones, but based on everything else the Bible teaches, there’s little doubt that it really means that we’re willing to “lay down” our own will, our own needs and desires, and our flesh to better serve the one we love. Likewise, Jesus didn’t literally mean that we have to “take up” a cross daily to follow Him as He said in Luke 9:23, which says Then he said to them all: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. And Jesus very particularly said “his cross” — ANYTHING our flesh uses to make us less like Christ, which is why He said we had to take it up daily. So loving our spouses as the Lord expects and commands throughout the Bible definitely means “denying” ourselves and CONSTANTLY crucifying our flesh; which is particularly difficult when in the midst of the intense pain and emotions experienced when our spouses have betrayed us so personally and become virtual strangers. Thankfully, the Lord promises that His grace is sufficient and that we can do ALL things through Christ Jesus who strengthens us; but without relying on His grace and strength, we just can’t do it!
The following verses give us even greater understanding of the nature and character of love from God’s perspective, along with some excellent advice about how to love our spouses unconditionally and some very important reminders of things we must STOP doing, because they are NOT what love does:
Hosea 3:1 – The LORD said to me, “Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the LORD loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.”
Song of Solomon 8:6-7 – Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.
Proverbs 10:12 – Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.
Proverbs 17:9 – He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
Luke 6:32 – “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them.
1 Peter 4:8 – Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
1 Corinthians 16:14 – Do everything in love.
Ephesians 4:2 – Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Proverbs 21:21 – He who pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity and honor.
1 Timothy 6:11 – But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.
1 Peter 3:8 – Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.
There’s a LOT of wisdom and sound advice in all of the above scriptures, so we’d be wise to revisit them often and check to see how well we’re putting them into practice. And remember what James 1:22-25 tells us, which is Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does. Yes, when we learn to DO God’s Word, especially when it comes to demonstrating unfailing and unconditional love to our spouses and avoid doing what love does NOT do, we will most definitely be blessed and encouraged!