Since pride is such a pervasive characteristic of our flesh nature, it’s easy to miss, especially since we’ve come up with so many words and phrases to excuse it and make it sound like a “good” thing. And even though there are many verses in the Bible that make it very clear that pride is NOT at all good and that God deals with it rather harshly, one that should really get our attention is James 4:6, which says But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” Ouch! Those are some scary words, and they should cause all of us to be a lot more concerned about the need to recognize and understand pride, so we can eliminate it from our lives, because none of us can afford to have God oppose us!

But the problem we have is that pride is not always that easy to identify or recognize, and even though I’m sure it could easily be the topic for another book, I just want to cover a few areas of pride often encountered as we stand for the restoration of our marriages that we might not recognize as such.

First, I don’t know ANY stander, including myself, who is not guilty of trying to “figure everything out.” In fact, it’s just like God to put this topic in my heart to write about today, because I happen to be struggling with it personally quite a bit right now. So far this month, my husband has been unable to send the support he’s been sending for the past year, and without it, I’m unable to meet my financial obligations or keep this website and ministry afloat. So it seems perfectly natural and understandable that I’d feel that I NEED to DO something! But what? That’s the problem, I can’t think of any way to generate sufficient income for the ministry or to rearrange my finances so that I don’t have to rely on the support from my husband. And while I was trying to figure all of that out, I was forced to admit that even though I am extremely appreciative and grateful for his support, I don’t “like” having to rely on it, especially since I know it is such a big sacrifice for him, because he’s struggling financially too. So I have really had to fight my natural instincts to DO something; like use a credit card that I know I’d have a difficult time paying for later, or trying to get a second mortgage on my house if I can. The devil has really been trying to get me to think I have to take matters into my own hands and DO something!!! But I just keep hearing the Lord telling me to wait…be still and KNOW that I am GOD! Then yesterday, I paid my electric Bill, which was fortunately much lower than usual, because they had over estimated it for the past two months, and that pretty much wiped out my personal checking account, but I just kept reminding myself of the reassuring scripture verses that assure me that God will meet my needs and that I have to trust Him NO MATTER WHAT! And then yesterday afternoon when I came home from running some errands (paying my electric bill for one), there was a message from my husband saying he would be sending the money, and I thank the Lord for that! But I STILL wanted to “figure out” a way to keep this from happening again in the future, which sounds perfectly reasonable and what anyone would think they should do, especially since we’re supposed to let our spouses go when they want to go. Right? Well, in my case, the only problem with that is that the Lord has made it abundantly clear to me on several occasions that things are exactly as He wants them to be for the time being. I have made numerous attempts to do something to change it, and the Lord always closes the door very firmly. In fact, He slams it! So instead of trusting the Lord with my WHOLE heart, I struggle with “resting” in the place He seems to want me right now, where I (and this ministry) have to be completely reliant on my husband’s support. Despite knowing what the Lord has told me time and time again, I keep thinking there MUST be another way…if I could just figure it out! But that’s exalting my own understanding, will and ability above God’s, and that’s pride. And true humility is submitting our own will, understanding (even need to know and understand) and ways to the will and ways of God, with complete and utter trust and confidence that He WILL lift us up in due time (1 Peter 5:6-7), and that His Word and promises WILL ALWAYS prevail! The reason we try to figure things out is so we can figure out what the problem is and then what WE can do to “fix” it. Well, God wants us to trust Him and let HIM “fix” it! That’s not to say that we don’t try to resolve our problems, but when we’ve done our best and when we’ve been obedient to God’s Word, and nothing seems to be working, we have to just trust God. Even though we don’t think of it in these terms, Proverbs 3:5-6 is really about making a choice between doing what God requires by walking humbly with Him (Micah 6:8)or allowing the devil to create a stronghold in our lives by trying to exalt our own knowledge and ability over God’s (2 Corinthians 10:4-5) and failing to take every thought captive; making them obedient to Christ..

Another pride issue encountered by just about everyone standing for marriage restoration is our natural tendency to filter everything our spouses say and do through our own emotions and experience. We tend to project our own emotions and attitudes onto our spouses and evaluate their words and actions from that perspective. In other words, if we think our spouses have been mean, cruel, hurtful, or thoughtless, we’ll see everything they say and do as being intentionally mean, cruel, hurtful, or thoughtless, whether they are or not. If they’ve ever lied to us, we tend to question everything they say and look for evidence that they’re lying to us. If we feel guilt or shame about something, then we think they’re trying to make us feel guilty or shameful; “…just throwing that in my face” is a term I hear way too often. In other words, we’re unable to objectively evaluate and receive their words and actions, because we’re only seeing them through the lens and filter of our preconceived expectations. By doing that, we’re really just making everything all about us, and that’s pride. So our spouses don’t stand a chance, because it’s not possible to communicate with us effectively, and we’re certainly NOT demonstrating unconditional love, as it’s described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 or creating the atmosphere of grace that’s needed or redemption and restoration. So humbling ourselves in this case means making a decision to PRACTICE unconditional love as described at the above link, and to totally take our own emotions, needs and desires out of the equation when evaluating and responding to the things our spouses say and do. That means making a conscious and intentional choice to ALWAYS give our spouses the benefit of doubt. In fact, I made that decision about two years ago, and it made my life (and interaction with my husband) so much better, because now there’s no question about it; when something comes up that could go either way, either in his favor or against him; it’s already settled in his favor. It wasn’t easy at first, but it eventually became my FIRST reaction after a few times when I had to remind and force myself to honor that commitment. Doing that takes a very powerful weapon away from Satan, because he can’t torment us with a lot of “what ifs”, which is just another way we tend to lean and rely on our own understanding.

One more thing we often struggle to overcome as we stand for marriage restoration is our natural inclination to defend, explain, vindicate and protect ourselves. But as wives and husbands, we’re specifically told to follow the example set by Jesus in 1 Peter 2:23, which says When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. This is often overlooked as specific instruction to husbands and wives, but It is by no means insignificant that it is part of the passage that precedes the very important instructions for wives and husbands in 1 Peter 3, where both wives and husbands are told “in the same way…”, which is an obvious reference to the preceding passage! So as difficult as it is to understand and accept, even our natural need and tendency to defend, explain, vindicate, and protect ourselves is nothing but pride. And since God opposes the proud, that’s a very dangerous way to go, and as long as WE insist on doing it for ourselves, we’re obviously NOT entrusting ourselves to Him who judges justly!

So recognizing and overcoming pride in its various forms is very important to us as we stand for the restoration of our marriages, because besides being very destructive all on its own, it can keep us from experiencing the supernatural power of God in our lives and in the restoration of our marriages and in the softening of our spouses’ hearts. And even worse than that, it causes God to actually oppose us, so we have to take it very seriously and make sure we can identify it and eliminate it from every area of our lives. Fortunately, we can rely on John 8:32, which assures us Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” And once we recognize pride, we will be free to overcome it and we WILL be very blessed and encouraged by the results that brings about in our lives and the restoration of our marriages and families!

Posted Friday, May 18th, 2007 at 6:30 pm in Seeds Of Faith.