We’re in the process of making some big changes to the private websites, so we hope to soon have what we call The FAM Family Room, where men and women can share posts with each other and still have private areas just for men and women. Meanwhile, I share posts from the men and ladies with each other when I think they will bless or edify the other in some way. And when I first read the following post on the men’s site, I thought it was not something I would share with the ladies; it seemed like something more particularly for the men. But as I thought more about it and read it again, I actually went from that to feeling that it was so important that it needs to be shared here as well. So I thank the FAM Fellowship member who wrote it for permission to share something so personal here; anonymously for obvious reasons. As I told him, there’s So much here to comment and expound upon that it could well be the topic for FAM Chat this weekend, which I was considering (and may well do in the future). But soon after I asked for permission to share this, the same member sent me an awesome message from Charles Stanley about pride, which is what the Lord told me chat is to be about this Friday. Of course, pride is the problem that makes us think of marriage as a contract instead of respecting and honoring it as the Holy covenant God created it to be, so there is a natural connection between the two topics anyway. And that’s a first; I’ve never known what the topic was so much in advance! So FAM Chat should be great this Friday night!

Anyway, I just hope and pray that everyone reading this will be able to understand the vital significance of its message and how we all so easily went from understanding that marriage is NOT a contract to thinking and acting as if it is. While there are some very important messages for men, there’s also a lot here for us ladies too! More than likely, I’ll pick some points out of this for upcoming posts, because there’s so much of great importance here to everyone standing for marriage restoration. This is a powerful testimony and a message we can all learn so much from, so I pray that the Lord will touch and soften the hearts of every reader and be glorified! If we get this message, there’s no doubt that we will truly be blessed and encouraged!

This weekend, I read Every Man’s Battle, by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. Most of the book is focused on men’s sexual attitudes and behaviors toward women, both those who may be and may not be their spouses, including a couple of chapters on marriage. I found their statements and insights powerful and began to relate the information to where I am at this time in standing for my marriage.

The promise I made on my wedding day was not conditional; I made a commitment and covenant with my wife and God. But I admit that I did not cherish and honor my wife as I had promised. I admit that I fell considerably short of being the husband that God called me to be and then expected me to be. The fact is that if I had made Christ the center of my life, I would have been all my wife desired and I would not be separated from her right now. Yes, she had responsibilities as a wife and her commitment to God, but I could have made it so easy for her to keep those desires alive in her heart.

That being said, as I have come to confess, repent and live a Christ-centered life, the promises I made to my wife and God have not changed. God still expects me to keep my promises and covenant; He hates divorce and expects me to change; accept and demonstrate love in whatever way is necessary to show my love and to cherish and honor my wife–whatever the cost. Although the cost seems like everything when taking a survey of my circumstances at this time, I know God has plans for the restoration of my marriage based on the promises of His Word.

We live in a world of contracts; detailing the conditions of specific situations,- generally intended to protect our own best interests. So it is no wonder God made certain that marriage was not to be viewed as a contract. He knew full well that our pride, sinful nature and selfishness would change those conditions from the original state of our marriage. Through our trials and tribulations of maintaining a relationship, He knew we needed to be more grounded in something stronger than a contract. So we had to make a vow; which is a promise that we would do EVERYTHING we have to do to keep our promise to Him. So it is by no mistake that God wanted us to promise and establish unconditional covenants for our marriages.

My stand for our marriage has to do with how God values me and my wife. And those of us who are standing, no how incredibly difficult it is to do so. God greatly values both me and my wife, as evident by the vital importance and commands He gives concerning marriage. So my commitment is not based on my feeling of love for my wife, although I certainly do love her; but on the promise I made to her and God; my love for God and my desire to please Him in all I do. My promise was to stay married despite how the conditions changed. And my regret is not honoring and cherishing my wife every day of her life; treating her as God commanded–in the same way Jesus honored and cherished the church. And I also feel an intense loss of letting God down too.

If I had lived in my marriage according to God’s purpose, I would not have added conditions to our relationship. It would not have mattered whether she did or did not do certain things for me; there would have been no resentment for not spending time with me or spending too much time with others; and anger over petty acts would not have existed. I spent too much time focusing on what I expected to get out of the marriage; conditions of my marriage that I had come to view as a “contract”. When our spouses don’t meet those contractual conditions, we feel resentment toward them for not keeping their side of the “bargain” and we certainly lose sight of what God intended marriage to be.

Fred Stoeker makes some powerful statements that really brought me face to face with the reality of God’s Word. He said that oneness in marriage cannot grow when the focus is on set conditions and not on God’s purpose. He continues saying that our wives were promised by us that they would have more from marriage than they would have as a single woman. Wow, did I ever let my wife down!

But my failure as a husband and as a Godly husband does not mean that I have a failed marriage. Instead, it means that God is giving me (and my wife) a chance to make necessary changes in our relationship for our marriage to be restored to the Christ-centered marriage He intended for it to be from the beginning.

Stoeker challenges husbands to be consumed by their marriage commitment; consumed enough to live faithfully and to cherish our wives completely; consumed enough to stand in harms way and to let go of our pride until God’s purpose and our promises finally established in our marriages.

God’s covenant of marriage is not a contract; He is going to keep His promise. My challenge is to trust God with our marriage and let Him change me into the Godly husband that He desires for me to be and that I desire to become. So I pray for each of you to trust and believe in marriage restoration as you become the obedient, Godly man He desires for you, your spouse and your family.

Posted Monday, March 31st, 2008 at 10:12 pm in Seeds Of Faith.