Over the weekend, one of the FAM Fellowship members posted the following prayer request and I asked her permission to share it here, along with my response, because I know there are many men and women asking themselves the same questions. Even though there is SO much more to understanding what we should and shouldn’t do when our husbands and wives start divorce proceedings, I hope my response to MNO (Member Name omitted) will help by giving some basic direction and encouragement to anyone in the same situation and just now making important decisions about how we should respond when our spouses file for divorce. We have to understand that as long as we DO what God’s Word tells US to do, we don’t have to worry about our spouses’ “plans”, because in the end, it is the Lord, and HIM alone, who will determine the outcome! As Proverbs 16:1 assures us; To man belong the plans of the heart, but from the LORD comes the reply of the tongue. And I sure hope that we all know by now that what God says goes (Isaiah 55:10-11! Here’s MNO’s prayer request:

“Hello Everyone,

On Sunday, I received a call from my husband and he told me he has decided to file for divorce. He does not want me to contest it and says that if I do he will hate me. He said he had been going to counseling to get past the anger he had toward me but that he can’t get past it and does not think he ever will. I still believe that God will restore our marriage, but I am not sure which way to go with this. I have been praying since I got off the phone with him. Ironically, I was on my way to church when he called. I still went because the enemy used that as an attempt to keep me from hearing what God had to encourage me through this situation. Our pastor preached “Change”; Going from Chains to Change. He used Luke 15; the story of the prodigal son. He focused on how when the son lost everything he had and was down to nothing, he realized he had to change his way of thinking. He spoke about how we have heard God talking to us about things we should change, but we don’t. We just sit and think about or plan to do it and that is called fantasy. But it’s time to actually do it.

I am at a crossroads; I am standing for my marriage, but do I fight the divorce and make him more angry or do I give in and seem as if I’m giving up on what God has promised me.

In my morning meditation, I clearly heard God speaking to me; saying “Just Trust Me.” And I want to, but what do I do while I’m trusting God? Do I stand still and do nothing? Do I react and fight back, or Do I give in and just let my marriage go?

Please keep me and my family in prayer as I seek God’s guidance and direction in this time.”

And here’s my response:
MNO, I’m so sorry for not getting back to you with a response earlier, but I’ve been swamped and really wanted to take the time needed to fully answer your questions, especially since they are the same questions so many men and women have in the same situation. And HOW you deal with this could make the difference in the future of your marriage. BUT the answers have to come from the instructions and wisdom found in the Bible and not as the result of relying on the wisdom or even experience of man or leaning to our own understanding or relying on our feelings. When God said to trust Him, He means that if you DO what His Word teaches, HE will DO what His Word promises and uphold its power and authority! So let’s look at what the Word says and what God tells us to do and what He promises to do when we do.

As Christians, the SPECIFIC instructions God gives us when our spouses want to leave or divorce us is found in 1 Corinthians 7:14-16 (NASB), which says For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife? But it’s VERY important to understand that Paul did NOT mean that we are no longer bound by the covenant of our marriages when our spouses leave or divorce us; he just meant that we are no longer bound and in Paul’s personal opinion, hindered by our responsibilities and duties as husbands and wives. He used a totally different word in the original text here than he used later on in verses 39 and 40, where he said A wife is bound as long as her husband lives; but if her husband is dead, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. But in my opinion she is happier if she remains as she is; and I think that I also have the Spirit of God. So, as he concluded his instructions concerning marriage and divorce, he felt it was necessary to REPEAT the exact SAME instructions he gave in the beginning; where in verses 10-11 he wrote But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife. So it’s VERY difficult to understand how it can be thought, as more often taught than not, that Paul meant that when our spouses (particularly unsaved spouses) leave us (and they’re obviously not believing the Word and instructions of God when they do) , we’re released from the covenant of our marriages and free to divorce them and remarry. That just defies reason, especially since it creates confusion, and 1 Corinthians 14:33 very clearly tells us that God is NOT the author of confusion, but of peace. And the argument that we’re not bound because they are not Christians doesn’t hold water either, because Paul even tells the spouses of unsaved husbands and wives that they MUST NOT leave their unsaved spouses in verses 12-13, where he said But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. Paul clearly felt that the natural and obvious duties and concerns of marriage hinder our ability to freely and completely serve the Lord, which is revealed in verses 32-35 where he stated But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and his interests are divided. The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. This I say for your own benefit; not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord. And before saying that, in verses 25-28, he went so far as to say Now concerning virgins I have no command of the Lord, but I give an opinion as one who by the mercy of the Lord is trustworthy. I think then that this is good in view of the present distress, that it is good for a man to remain as he is. Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be released. Are you released from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But if you marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Yet such will have trouble in this life, and I am trying to spare you. So it’s no wonder that when we understand Paul’s passion for serving the Lord and how he viewed marriage as an impediment to doing that, and even felt it was necessary to make a distinction between his personal opinion and the instructions he had received as a command directly from God (which he does not do anywhere else in the Bible, that he considered marriage as a form of bondage or slavery. And that’s confirmed by the fact that he used the same word, DOULOO, in verse 10 above that’s used in Acts 7:6, which says God spoke to him in this way: ‘Your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own, and they will be enslaved and mistreated four hundred years. And that’s also the same word used in 2 Peter 2:19, which says They promise them freedom, while they themselves are slaves of depravity—for a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him. Yet, the word used in verse 39 is DEO, which is the same word Paul used again in Romans 7:1-3, where he used marriage to illustrate his point about the law and wrote Do you not know, brothers—for I am speaking to men who know the law—that the law has authority over a man only as long as he lives? For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress, even though she marries another man.

While all of the above passages of scripture may not seem to address and answer your questions, they actually do; because we have to know what the Word of God teaches about marriage and divorce in order to put ALL of our hope, faith, confidence and trust in God as we rely on the power and authority of His Word for the full and complete restoration of our marriages. Sadly, that necessarily means exposing and refuting the lies of the devil, which are intended to cause doubt and confusion concerning God’s very CLEAR and UNAMBIGEOUS instructions regarding the one flesh, life long covenant of marriage (Matthew 19:1-6) and numerous other passages), and even his very clear and simple instructions concerning divorce and remarriage. And according to His Word (Matthew 19:9, among numerous other references), The only possible circumstance allowing remarriage after divorce is adultery. But God clearly prefers us to forgive and stand on the power and authority of His Word for restoration so Jesus will be glorified when a doubting and unbelieving world witnesses His faithfulness to do exactly what His Word promises He CAN and WILL do when we are faithful to turn from our own sin and trust and obey Him (Isaiah 55)! So you have to take God at His Word and know that He was serious and REALLY meant business when He said that HE HATES DIVORCE; that your marriage is a covenant made by your marriage vows; that HE was a witness when that covenant was made; AND that HE will uphold the covenant of your marriage by refusing to accept your husband’s offerings, worship and prayers (Malachi 2 and 1 Peter 3:7) if he divorces you and you remain his faithful wife and uphold and honor the covenant of your marriage.

So to more specifically answer your questions, you don’t fight your husband on the divorce; you “let him leave”, because you are “called to peace.” And you read and meditate day and night on God’s Word so you can put all of your faith and confidence in God’s power and faithfulness to fulfill every word in it! You read 1 Peter 3:1-6 backwards and forwards until you know it so well that it will always come to mind any time you are tempted to forget it and open your mouth or be anything less than quiet and gentle and pure and reverent, or to give way to fear instead of putting your hope in the Lord. You do your best to cooperate with your husband and don’t let pride get the best of you. You learn to eat so much humble pie that it feels like you’ll choke on it, because God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble and when we humble ourselves under His mighty hand, HE will lift us up in due time ( 1 Peter 5:5-6)! You show honor and respect for your husband, even when he is not behaving very honorably or respectably. You simply, and not repeatedly, express your regret that you were not the wife you should have been and that he is unable to forgive you, but say that you understand that and are not going to try to keep him from doing what he feels he needs to do; that you have to accept his decision; that even though you will always honor your marriage vows, you understand that’s not what he wants. Honey, YOU can NOT change ANYTHING about your husband, BUT GOD CAN AND WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM IF YOU’LL ONLY TRUST AND OBEY HIM!

We could fill many books with testimonies of the totally different outcomes when people decide to fight their spouses and the divorce and when they are obedient and trust God; but they ALL would just totally confirm that the ONLY way to get GOD’S outcome is to DO things HIS way! So you need to stay connected with people you know support your stand and who will keep you accountable to the Word and avoid talking to anyone who does not; that’s just giving the devil entrance to your heart, mind and spirit. And you COVER your husband’s sin and nakedness and do NOT expose it to others. You learn and apply God’s Word about your role as a wife and DO what the Bible teaches us that love does, and DON’T do what the Bible tells us love does NOT do! And one way to find the answers to many of your questions and how the Word of God applies as we walk through this season in our lives is to read the archived Seeds Of Faith posts and the testimonies on the private site. And you have to learn and sow in your heart the MANY verses that assure us that it just simply does NOT matter what our spouses want, because “man proposes and God disposes!” For example, Proverbs 19:21 says Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails. And Proverbs 21:1 tells us that The king’s heart is in the hand of the LORD; he directs it like a watercourse wherever he pleases. And you’ll find many other encouraging verses like these in the Restoration Bible Verses posted on the site. As you read the Bible, ask the Lord to speak to you and He will; and the verses and promises He gives you in that way will give you the grace and anointing you need and just can’t get any other way. It’s God’s Word that has the power to transform us and to give us the faith and confidence we need as we stand for the full and complete healing and restoration of our marriages and families. So you cling to the Word He gave you and just trust Him with ALL of your heart, lean NOT to your own understanding, and acknowledge Him in all that you say and do, and He WILL direct your paths (Proverbs 3:5-6)! And remember that the Lord doesn’t just want your marriage and family to be restored; He wants your husband to be in right relationship with Him too, and as we saw in 1 Corinthians 7:16 above; WHEN we let our spouses leave and act in peace, the Lord can use us to save them, which is exactly what 1 Peter 3:1-6 confirms! So trust God enough to let your husband go and let the Lord use your humility, obedience and trust in Him work to bring your husband back to his senses and back to you and his children; where he belongs and where God wants him. And NEVER forget Proverbs 21:30 and that There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the LORD. And NO MATTER what you see or hear, claim the awesome promise of Romans 8:28 and KNOW that GOD will cause EVERYTHING to work together for good as long as you love Him and are called according to HIS purpose, and the full and complete restoration of your marriage and family is most definitely His purpose! So JUST TRUST GOD and remember His promise in Romans 8:31, which says What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? When you put your hope and confidence in God and the power and authority of His Word, you will NEVER be disappointed and you will be more blessed and encouraged than you can even begin to ask or imagine!

Posted Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008 at 11:47 am in Seeds Of Faith.