We Can’t Expect Things to be Fair!
One of the quickest and surest ways for men and women standing for marriage restoration to set them selves up for disappointment and allow the devil entrance and power in their lives and circumstances is to expect anything to be “fair.” Let’s set the record straight; there’s NOTHING fair, right or good about marital separation or divorce, and there never will be. So why do we continually set ourselves up for the frustration, aggravation, pain and disappointment of always expecting, or even demanding, that our spouses “be fair”…to get a “fair settlement”…or to be “treated fairly?” Where is it written that life is “fair?” Did God ever promise us that things would be fair? I don’t think so. In fact, he pretty much warns us that life won’t be fair, but promises that HE will vindicate us (Psalm 135:14) and that HE will restore all that we have lost (Zephaniah 3:20 and 1 Peter 5:10) and that HE will make our righteousness shine like the dawn and the justice of our cause like the noon day sun (Psalm 37:5-6)!
Sadly, expecting and doing everything we can to make sure or demand that things are fair is a very common hindrance to marriage restoration and the work God wants to do in us. So many times, as men and women standing for marriage restoration in the face of all of the injustice and unfairness divorce and marital separation entails, we have to choose between being right and being happy, because when conflict arises, it’s rarely possible to be both. So that might well be when our faith and obedience are tested the most, because it just goes against everything in our flesh to give up our rights or to see our spouses “get away with something” we know isn’t right or fair.
I can’t count how many times I’ve heard someone say that they feel like a doormat, or that someone else told them they’re being a doormat—even their own children. But if we consider that in the context of 1 Peter 2:18-25, we should gain a more Christ-like perspective. And since Jesus did not retaliate or make threats when HE was unfairly and unjustly insulted and suffered so terribly for our sake, because He had entrusted himself to him who always judges justly, surely we can do the same to honor and glorify Him and the great personal sacrifice He made for us.
And it is by no means a coincidence or insignificant that the above passage of scripture, 1 Peter 2:18-25, precedes the instructions given to wives and husbands in 1 Peter 3, where both wives and husbands are told “in the same way;” obviously referring to the preceding text. So we know this passage of scripture is particularly applicable to husbands and wives! Therefore, I hope and pray that we’ll all remember it the next time we’re tempted to be upset or complain because things aren’t fair. No, things aren’t fair, but that doesn’t matter when we entrust ourselves to Him who ALWAYS judges justly and who has clearly stated that it is His will and purpose to justify us and to cause ALL things to work together for our good when we love God and are called according to HIS purpose; just as we’re promised in Romans 8:28-33, which declares:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.
So when we’re feeling the pain, disappointment and loss that always accompanies divorce and separation, let’s look ONLY to the Lord to be our vindicator and to restore and multiply ALL that we lose for His sake, because that’s exactly what Jesus promised us in Mark 10:29-31, which says em>”I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.” So we will indeed be very blessed and encouraged when we learn to die to sin and live for righteousness for the glory of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ; because by His wounds, we will be healed (1 Peter 2:24)!
Amen! I was feeling that way this weekend…”this isn’t fair to me” about a situation, and I cried and felt sorry for myself and my kids. But then God did the most amazing thing and I KNOW it was God working; it’s hard to explain, but I KNOW it was HIM; and it brought me back to reality. You are so right; it’s NOT fair, but with God all things are possible, and I am still living in expectation and in belief that God is working all things for my good.
Amen! Thank you for your post. All I can say is that I was in the process of divorcing my prodigal husband and suing him for maintenance, because “life is not fair” and I needed to “make sure” that what my children and I ‘get’ out of this was fair. After much prayer and godly counsel, I decided to cancel the divorce and trust God in this ‘unfair’ world. And AFTER doing that, I received a large increase in my salary (the fourth one in a year) and my husband called me to tell me that he had bought groceries for us, left money with my children and would be depositing more money into my account later today. So I think that being obedient and trusting the Lord and HIS fairness is the only way! I wonder how many of us would continue to rely on the Lord and His Word, for everything, if we succeeded in getting “‘fairness” from the world’s justice system…just a thought.
Jeni, what a powerful testimony of God’s faithfulness!!! And I know how much you were struggling with making that decision, but look how the Lord blessed and rewarded you! And now that you’ve put your trust in God and an end to the tug-of-war, your husband will have the time and opportunity to see things from a totally different perspective. As I told you, marriage restoration just isn’t likely to happen in that environment, but now you’ve released the supernatural power of God to go to work on your husband’s heart and circumstances, which He is obviously already doing! And just look at the favor He has given you at work as well!
And, Praise the Lord, we know that NO wisdom, NO insight and NO plan EVER can or will succeed against God! When He is for us, who can stand against us? NO ONE!
Thank you SO much for sharing this with all of us and giving God the praise, honor and glory He so richly deserves! And just so you know, this is a personal word of encouragement for me as well, because even though I know that I have no other choice; it isn’t necessarily easy for me to encourage someone to do something that in the natural could obviously be so “risky” (yett, without risk, there is no need for faith) and cause them and/or their children financial harm or jeopardy. BUT the Lord has very clearly and strongly reminded me on occasion that what happens when I encourage and counsel someone to act in accordance with HIS Word is NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY; IT IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY. Perhaps that is why so many pastors and Christian leaders find it so hard to counsel according to the Word instead of accepting and going along with the world’s way and view of things. So thank you especially for encouraging me with such a wonderful praise for the Lord’s glory! And how exciting it is that those who thought you had lost your senses are seeing what God is doing too, so IF you hadn’t been obedient to what the Lord put in your spirit to do; just look at the opportunity for His glory and power to shine that would have been lost! And you know I can’t wait to see what else the Lord is going to do! SO GET READY!!!
Linda, thank you for directing me to this SOF post. Yes, it is what I needed. I am feeling like a doormat and it is taking everything the Lord has taught me to remain firm in my stand. I am so glad that I emailed you and shared my feelings. Jesus suffered so much for us; unimaginable pain, so why can’t I count it all joy for this small pain compared to what the Lord went through. Yes, 1 Peter 2 18-25 really puts things into the Christ like perspective we should have regarding being treated unfairly. And thank you Jeni for confirmation that it is God that justifies!! Wow, what an encouraging testimony! When you released it, God seized it and did His thing, which is always awesome and supernatural!
Each of your posts has been an encouragement to me as well, especially yours, Jeni. I recently had to surrender all to God too after getting some wise counsel from Linda and praying about it. I too thought I was being treated unfairly, but I know that God will work all things out for my good and His glory in His time.
The thing that I’m struggling with now is that my daughter is angry at me because she feels like I’m being a doormat to her dad. She feels that I don’t stand up for myself to him, and I don’t really know how to respond to her about how she’s feeling. She’s only eleven, so what do I say to her to help her understand where I am and the stand that I’ve taken?
Nikki, I have a restored marriage, and our children are now considered adults. The youngest recently turned eighteen, and at times, they thought I was crazy. I never really talked much about my stand with them, but they all knew what I was praying for. Our youngest was a “daddy’s girl” and she was crushed when her dad left over two years ago. She was angry, disrespectful and just stayed away from him. Whenever she needed something and I would tell her to ask her dad, she would figure something else out. It has been along road for them, but they are working it out. God is softening her heart and she is turning to her dad once again. We just need to keep praying for our kids, no matter how old they are, and know that God loves them. Our oldest was planning her wedding through all of that and I just kept saying that I was praying that her dad and I would walk her down the aisle as husband and wife and we did. I know it is hard to hear, because they are angry and they lash out at the parent that is there. But I now see that what we went through as a family will make them better spouses and parents. I would suggest that you keep speaking positively about her dad, no matter what you may feel at times, and keep praying for their relationship. We cannot make them love their dads right now, but God can soften those hearts once again. And one day she will see that it was all worth it and she will thank you for standing for her dad. Hang on to Jesus and know that He will make it all work for good. We only see this little part of our lives, but God sees the end and He is in control. I believe that we are standing for the next generation and I can say that what God gives you back will be better than you could dream. He has given us back a better marriage, our family is getting closer daily and the hearts are soft and loving. What God has done for us He will do for all. Your daughter will thank you one day, and together you can give God the glory and praise.
Also, you speak to her through your actions, so keep loving and respecting her dad and she will in time get there too. I hope that this is helpful and that you believe and hope in Jesus to do this for you and your family.
Thank you, Diane! That was very helpful as I didn’t know what to say to her. She asked for a Bible last night and has begun reading it on her own. I will do as you suggest and continue to pray for each of our children. They are all dealing with this in their own way. I also have to ask God to forgive me for things they have overheard me say about our situation on the phone that I now wish wouldn’t have happened. But I’m trusting God to turn this all around for our good. Thank you!!!!