Long before I even knew marriage restoration ministries existed, there was NO doubt in my mind that a woman would gladly submit to a man who loved her as Christ loves the church. But thinking about that now, it’s amusing to realize how right I was, despite having almost no understanding of what it really meant! So in honor of the first five men who are now FAM Fellowship members, I’m pleased to dedicate the first Seeds of Faith post for men to gaining a better understanding of what God means when He tells men to love their wives as Christ loves the church! And just as it sounds, that’s a pretty tall order!

Earlier today one of the fellowship members requested prayer for the Holy Spirit to be with him before, during and after the times he communicates with his wife, so he won’t experience so much anxiety about communicating with her, because he’s so afraid of not saying the right thing or of saying the wrong thing. And he shared how he’s always waiting to hear words of encouragement from his wife, but it never happens, and he wants to overcome those feelings of anxiety and experience peace. And I’m sure most men standing for marriage restoration feel the same way, and it’s really no wonder since they probably don’t understand much about what the Bible teaches concerning their role as husbands. And while it might not seem that significant, the best way to start hearing words of encouragement from your wives is to focus SOLELY on speaking words of praise, blessings and encouragement to them instead of waiting to hear them yourself.

Just as women standing for marriage restoration have to learn the importance of a quiet and gentle spirit, and submitting to their husbands, while demonstrating unconditional respect and honor; men need to understand that the best way to help turn their wives’ hearts back to them is to pray and speak blessings, praise and encouragement into their lives. In 1 Peter 3, husbands are instructed “…be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of
life”…and it goes on to say that if they don’t, their prayers will be hindered! So God must be pretty serious about that! And then it says “…live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic…be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” And there aren’t many women who won’t be drawn to sympathetic and compassionate men. So it’s important for men standing for marriage restoration to seek ways to demonstrate genuine sympathy and compassion for their wives. You have to start LOOKING for the opportunities, because when you do, I promise you the Lord WILL provide them. And if it’s necessary, start praying for the Lord to create opportunities for you to demonstrate these traits to your wives.

And as men standing for the restoration of your marriages, you have to really study and rely on Ephesians 5:25-33 to understand what the Lord instructs you to do as husbands, because it says:
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

Wow! The Lord just gave me an awesome insight as I read that again for at least the twentieth or thirtieth time! God actually expects a husband to wash away (or cleanse) his wife’s sin by covering it with the power of His living Word, in the same way the Lord no longer sees our sin because it’s covered with the blood of Christ. So when it’s difficult for a husband to see anything but his wife’s mistakes and sin, past or present, he’s obviously not relying on the power of God’s Word or covering her with love, because 1 Peter 4:8 says “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” I think that’s what the Lord means when he tells a husband to love his wife as Christ loves the church, because it’s through the blood of Christ, which He shed for us in the most sacrificial act known to man as a demonstration of His love, that we’re presented to HIM as “a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish.” “And we’re all probably familiar with 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 which spells out that kind of love a lot more definitively, because it says “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.“ And when a man loves his wife that way, she would obviously be cleansed through the power of the Word! And just as with us, that does NOT mean she is blameless or sinless; it just means that she is MADE blameless and sinless through the power of her husband’s sacrificial love. But most of us have to admit that we don’t love that way. And since Proverbs 19:22 tells us that unfailing love is what every man (and woman) desires, we need to pray for the Lord to teach us to love our spouses in accordance with His word.

And another interesting insight I just had when reading that again, is that the most common explanation I’ve heard from women who leave their husbands or get involved with other men, is that their husbands’ didn’t pay them any attention; that he was too busy with work; that he didn’t have time for her; that he was not interested in her; that he was too involved watching TV or playing computer games, etc.. Yet, the Lord tells a man to leave his mother and father to be united with his wife, and become one flesh with her, which means that God’s plan was for a man’s wife to be a priority in his life. Obviously that indicates that she is to be treasured, cherished, cared for and nurtured; not ignored and taken for granted as so many women tend to feel. So perhaps the best way to understand what wives need from their husbands is to consider what we all need and expect from the Lord, or what the Bible tells us we can rely on Him for. The first thing has to be fellowship, which explains why so many women are discontent in their marriages. The next thing is probably protection and provision, and feeling safe and secure is certainly a priority to most women, which includes emotionally as well as physically. And we all want to be blessed by the Lord, and there’s no doubt that women thrive when they receive the blessings and praises of their husbands. And then another vitally important aspect of our relationship with the Lord is our ability to have absolute trust and confidence in Him, so reliability and trustworthiness is also very important to women.

As difficult as women often find it to do what the Lord asks of us, there’s no doubt that He places a great burden of responsibility on husbands, especially since they’re the ones He very specifically commands to love their wives sacrificially and unconditionally just as Christ loves the church. And blessed are the women whose husbands understand that, because one of the greatest blessings for any woman is to be able to genuinely admire and respect her husband as she submits to him in EVERYTHING as unto the Lord! And since Isaiah 54 tells women without husbands very specifically what they can expect from GOD as their husband, there’s obviously a lot men can learn from it about being a godly husband. So perhaps some of the ladies could read it and respond to it and the other passages of scripture above, and share with the men how and why we might respond well when our husbands put these instructions into practice. Hopefully sharing our different perspectives as men and women with each other in terms of our godly roles as husbands and wives will be a great source of blessing and encouragement as we learn how to stand more effectively for the restoration of our marriages, and even more importantly how to be godly husbands and wives WHEN our marriages ARE restored! So be blessed and encouraged!

Posted Friday, January 26th, 2007 at 6:37 am in Seeds Of Faith.