I happen to know from first hand experience the pain and devastation of standing for marriage restoration when the beloved spouse we’re standing for has a heart of stone. Yet, I praise the Lord that I also know the joy of what happens when that heart of stone is softened and turns to flesh. But I had to learn that somewhere in between the heart of stone and the heart of flesh comes a lot of self examination and change from within; no, not necessarily changes within our spouses, but rather changes within ourselves. You might be thinking that the problem you’re facing is due to your spouse’s actions. And while much of it may be related to your spouse, it also lies within those of us who are standing for our marriages to be restored. Even though it might seem counterintuitive for us to change first, that is just what God requires of us.
When my husband first left, I was crushed. The question I kept asking myself was “Why?” I just couldn’t see how my husband could just pick up one day and leave me and our two children with another one on the way. Yet I knew we had a lot of marriage problems; so much so that we fought all the time. We were financially struggling as a family, which led my husband to work day and night. So we hardly saw each other, and when we did, we fought. We fought over the house, the bills, and the long work hours, among a dozen other things. And as Proverbs 21:9 warns, Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
Looking back on those times now, I don’t know how my husband stayed as long as he did. But my real eye opener didn’t come until I started getting closer to my Lord. As I continued to read His word, He directed me to scriptures I had never read before. As a matter of fact, I was the type of Christian who knew the stories of the Bible, but never read the Old Testament because I believed it was too hard to understand. And yet, every time I opened my Bible, God directed me to the books in the Old Testament; such as Jeremiah, Isaiah, Hosea, and the Psalms. I drew strength from the promises and Biblical truths I began to learn about every day. And it was in that time that the Lord called me to stand for my marriage. It was tiny baby steps at that time, since I only knew what I was standing for, and had no idea what it took to walk it out.
It was also at that time that my husband had a heart of stone. He was very cold and harsh to me whether over the phone or in person. He was involved with an NCP (non-covenant person) and never let a moment go by without making me aware of it. He wasn’t the man I married; not even the same man I had known just days before he left. It was as if he was someone else all together. It was just like 2 Timothy 2:26 says…and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.
But things only got worse for a time. The announcement of the NCP’s pregnancy came within a few weeks after my husband left. Before I found out that my husband would be having a child with another woman, I actually spoke to others about that possibility. I recall telling all those around me that if she were to get pregnant with his child, then that would be the end of all hope for reconciliation. And I also recall telling those same people that I was giving my husband one year to “get his act straight” and then I was moving on. But that was just putting God in a box and limiting His timetable to my own selfish desires.
Yes, the Lord sure had a lot of work to do on me. Without even knowing it, I was under a veil of deception by thinking that everything that was happening was due to my husbands “sin problem.” In reality, everything that was going on was really just a symptom of a poor marriage; largely due to my own destructive ways. As Proverbs 14:1 warns, The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.
I could give you hundreds if not thousands of examples of things I had done wrong in my marriage, and yet before my stand, I couldn’t and wouldn’t even admit, much less acknowledge even one of them as my own wrong doing. It never occurred to me that I was disrespectful, argumentative, and not at all submissive; even while claiming to be! I always defended my way through having a messy house and a laundry pile big enough to have to hide in the basement. It was an every day occurrence to have to look for lost keys, a lost shoe, or to even have to search for a matching clean sock! On top of that, I was so defensive about my own issues, that I often allowed or caused my husband’s issues to be revealed to others to cover my tracks, and he always looked like the bad guy who was so “lucky” to have me as a wife. So I thank God every day for opening my eyes to the wife I had become, and for loving me enough to not allow it any longer, as it was not giving God any glory.
Just because I didn’t commit adultery and leave the home, doesn’t make me a better spouse in any way. I could wear a crown of pride if I listened to all of the junk the world had to say about my stand, but the truth is that I only stand because of God, and if it were not for His grace, I too would be in the same shoes as my husband. I am not any better in any way shape or form, and God gets all the honor and glory for carrying me through this and not letting me be overcome by an adulterous affair.
I came to FAMM in July of 2007, which was just about three months after my separation. And having a place to come to and being able to gain knowledge on how to apply biblical principals for standing for my marriage was truly a God send! And I seemed to go from baby steps to leaps and bounds within a few short months.
The changes the Lord has done in me are nothing short of miraculous. But I first had to see myself through God’s eyes, and I had to come face to face with the destructive work my own foolish hands were responsible for. Even after I repented to the Lord, I struggled with my own forgiveness for months. And I kept thinking “if I only knew…” Romans 8:1, because it says Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
But the truth is that I needed this to happen to mold and shape me into the person I am today. Once I saw how hard it was for me to forgive myself, I realized how my husband must have felt. I was also knocked off my self righteous pedestal and saw how many sins of mine really were washed clean only by the blood of Jesus; seeing that my sins were uglier than I had previously thought, and that even my righteous acts were like a filthy rag. As Isaiah 64:6 says All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away. But praise God for His assurance in Isaiah 1:18, where He said “Come now, let us reason together,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.
I also knew that I had to forgive my husband just as God forgives me (Matthew 18:21-35). And that was a process, but I can say that it comes as second nature now, praise God! Fortunately, learning to forgive was not as hard as it might seem; it was God’s supernatural power that pours out and His agape love just seemed to flow through my spirit.
Since the communication between my husband and I was so frequent at that time, the changes in me were visible almost instantly. But there were still many cold, harsh and distant times yet to endure in my husband’s presence. And sometimes it was hard to tell the difference between an act for the NCP and real bitterness toward me. None the less, I smiled and went along with whatever his wishes were; remembering to honor and respect him. He would at times accuse me of something and I would in return apologize for giving him that impression. Or he would comment on a parenting issue and I would listen to his suggestions and thank him for them, even it they were full of criticism. I would often be in tears moments after He left, but held it all in until then.
And I began to learn the importance of not playing the victim role, which I did so well in the past. I understood that it could no longer be about me and my feelings and my hurts and my struggles and the efforts I have made. Instead, I focused on my husband and what he needed. And at that time, he really just needed a friend. He needed someone who he could be completely open with without fear of judgment. And that friend was me! An as Proverbs 17:17 says, A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. And his heart began to melt as we built a great friendship together despite the situation at hand. We would talk on the phone, text message for hours and even chat on instant messenger when things were slow at his office. And he began to pour his heart out to me about his true feelings about the NCP.
However, at that time he still insisted that he would always love me, but that he didn’t see “us” working out. It was hard for me to listen and validate how he felt, but I did. I didn’t insist on blurting out my rebuttal about how I knew things could work; I just let our friendship grow. And I was able to subtly let him know that the door was always open, no matter what or when, without beating him over the head with it. He knew he could come home, but at that moment he just didn’t see it being possible and I didn’t “pick” at it.
I was there for him whenever he needed me; including when the NCP was in labor. He text messaged me every hour or so, giving me the updates. And when his daughter was born, he sent me a photo by text message just moments later. Somehow, my heart handled it all with joy, as I knew that this little girl would one day be spending time with her daddy (and me) at our home and that I would play a big role in her life some day soon.
And I witnessed as God spoke to my husband through a series of harsh events, including losing his job and the temporary hospitalization of his daughter on the same day; the day of the anniversary of our first date. As the days on the calendar would go by, each “important” date had its own set of signs (as my husband later came to call them); including two court appearances and a meeting with his probation officer on the one year anniversary of the day he left me for the NCP. I even remember him angrily asking me why his life was falling apart on that particular day. It was later that he confided in me and said that he “saw the signs” and knew that it was all happening for a reason.
As my heart had softened and been made flesh, now so was my husbands. It became apparent to him that he wasn’t where he was supposed to be, and he eventually made that known to me through a phone call, in which he said that he didn’t want to get my hopes up but he just didn’t think he is where he should be. He said that he just needed to get it off of his chest and didn’t know who else he could talk to; thank God for the grace He gave me to be my husband’s friend instead of his wounded and bitter wife!
And it wasn’t long after that phone call when I was able to claim my restoration based on a miraculous heart change in my husband. My husband’s heart was finally home!!! Through a series of phone calls and events, my husband told me that he wants to come home and work on “us.” He explained that he thinks of me and the kids all of the time, and wants his family back. However, certain events and circumstances have prevented him from physically coming home yet; though I know God will manifest it soon! And it all started with a change in my own heart; a change that only God could make!
Yet, as he always does, Satan tried to steal and destroy the blessings that were coming my way right in the midst of all that God was doing; as John 10:10 says, The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. First, there was an invitation (which I did not accept) for a wonderful date with a friend of a friend just one year after I was separated (remember that I had initially given my husband one year before I would move on!), and that’s the one and only time I had such an offer! And to turn up the heat even more, I had to face the news that there’s a second baby on the way with the NCP. that was a very hard pill to swallow, but nothing that came as a surprise to God. He called me to stand for the restoration of my marriage knowing what would happen, and if it didn’t change His plans, then it can’t change mine!
If this reads a lot like a testimony, it is because it is my heart’s desire for everyone standing for the restoration of their marriages to know that seemingly impossible marriage restoration does happen. But there is a way to go about it, and that is GOD’S way; which is the only way to build your marriage on a solid foundation. So I want you to know and understand that my situation was really impossible for man, but not for God. I want you to see that there was no way that my husband could develop feelings for me all over again and that I could truly put the past in the past and be willing to move forward without looking back had it not been for God Almighty. And I know that where I am today is far better for me than where I was in the past. It was and is God alone who has done and continues to do this for me, so I hope and pray that my testimony will be a source of encouragement, comfort, and helpful insight. As 2 Corinthians 3-4 says, Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
The old, self righteous me would have tried settling for someone new as my one year time limit on God passed. My bitterness and unforgiveness would have grown rampant and been openly revealed to my three young children who would have had to deal with the devastation of divorce and possibly remarriage on both sides. There would have been no hope of reconciliation, because I would have played the role of a victim for the rest of my life. Even worse than all of those things, I would have further separated myself from my Savior! And I would have risked losing the most important relationship in my life–the relationship I share with the Most High God! I could have thrown away Gods best for my life, and if it were up to my own will, I am sure I would have. BUT GOD…No, He wouldn’t let that be my testimony! He radically changed ME, and softened MY heart of stone, and drew ME back to Him. And it was then, that He went after my husband’s hardened heart! He did just as He promised in Ezekiel 36:25-27, where He declares I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.
So if you are puzzled by the actions of your spouse, and hurt by the actions of a hardened heart, I encourage you to cry out to God and ask Him to change you and do whatever it takes to rebuild your marriage on His solid, unshakable foundation (Luke 6:46-49)!
