God has really blown FAM members away this past week with His amazing faithfulness to powerfully confirm how absolutely necessary it is to forgive our spouses if we expect to see our marriages and families restored. It’s been amazing to see how many FAM members realized that they really hadn’t forgiven their spouses even though they thought they had, and then the change that brought about in their attitudes. It’s also been very interesting and enlightening to see how many members acknowledge that they now feel peace they hadn’t experienced before, which just confirms so many passages of scripture; many of which were included in a previous Seeds Of Faith post, The Plank in our own Eye.

Understanding the Difference Humility Makes was the topic of FAM Chat last night and it was amazing to see how the connection between our inability to walk in humility and our inability to forgive was expressed so strongly. And another interesting and revealing point that was made over and over again was the intense pain members experienced when they finally stopped focusing on their spouses’ wrong doing long enough to see how they had not been the spouses they should have been and then fully recognized the harm and pain that caused their spouses. So perhaps that’s the underlying reason it is so difficult to stop worrying about the specks in our spouses’ eyes long enough to remove the planks in ours; we just don’t want to feel the pain or accept our share of the responsibility for the destruction of our marriages and families. Yet, as the Bible verses in the above SOF post make abundantly clear, we have to do that if we truly want the forgiveness WE need and the grace to sincerely walk in humility before our spouses and under the mighty hand of God! And as we’ve also seen so powerfully illustrated in the testimonies of our members in the past week or so; when we do that, God works in ways far beyond anything we could ever expect or imagine! It’s almost hard to believe how drastically we’ve seen the dynamic of so many relationships change in a matter of days or less just because members finally understood this and allowed the Holy Spirit to work in THEM and transform THEIR hearts!!!

Another very important revelation so much discussion about forgiveness brought about through the week and in FAM Chat last night is that many standers make the mistake of thinking they need to tell their spouses that they have forgiven them…whether they have asked for it or not. But I literally cringe and wince whenever I hear a man or woman say that they’ve told their spouse that they have forgiven them, because I know they have no idea of how self-righteous, judgmental and sanctimonious that sounds. So let’s just put ourselves in our spouses’ place and then try to understand from their perspective how they might feel. If we have no conviction that we’ve done wrong or feel totally justified for whatever reason we’ve used to rationalize our behavior, thereby feeling no need to be forgiven (especially by someone we believe has wronged US); how are we likely to process an offer of forgiveness we don’t feel we need? Well, more than likely, our first response would be to go on the defensive and to feel resentful because of the implied accusation and blame in such a statement. And in that process, we will more than likely mentally recall every single reason we’ve done what we’re doing or have done and why we feel totally justified, which probably doesn’t bode well for the person offering unsolicited forgiveness, because it just brings a lot of negative emotions and attitudes right back to the surface. So we have to understand that the only time to voice forgiveness to our spouses is when they ASK for it or at least indicate that they don’t feel deserving of it. I just don’t understand how we could reach the conclusion that offering forgiveness to some who isn’t asking for it is supposed to make THEM feel better; that’s just not logical. And it indicates that we’re a LOT more focused on the speck in their eye instead of dealing with the plank in our own eye! So instead of telling our spouses that we forgive them, we have to learn to demonstrate it in our tone, attitudes and actions. Actions really do speak so much louder than words!

On the other hand, just imagine the difference it would make if instead of making sure that our spouses know how godly and righteous we are by letting them know that we have forgiven them, we were to ask THEM to forgive US! They obviously won’t go on the defensive then and more than likely they will be stunned, especially if that’s the first time they’ve ever heard us acknowledge that we’ve hurt and wronged them, and contributed to the downfall of our marriages. And for the first time, they would actually understand that OUR forgiveness is possible (based on their own conviction and not our self-righteous condemnation), and we’ve created an atmosphere of grace, which is absolutely necessary for our spouses to realize that redemption is possible, because without redemption, restoration isn’t possible either.

Similarly, in FAM Chat last night, several members shared that they had attempted to forgive their spouses by stating “I choose to forgive my spouse…I choose to forgive the NCP…” and even address God with that as a prayer, but that it didn’t seem to work. BUT…that’s again focusing on the sin of our spouses and their partners in adultery, which does not please God. Additionally, it only reinforces in our own hearts, minds and spirits that our spouses and the NCPs have done something that we need to forgive and it doesn’t encourage or direct us to deal with the plank in our own eye instead. So perhaps whenever we find ourselves focusing on the wrong and sin of our spouses, we should ask the Lord to show us OUR SIN…anything in US that is displeasing to Him, and ask Him to pull it up by the root. There’s no doubt that if we start doing that every time we’re tempted to think of everything our spouses have done wrong, we won’t keep doing it for long; especially once God starts revealing what He finds just as displeasing in us…which He is VERY faithful to do when we ask! And we can’t read 2 Corinthians 10:6 without realizing how vitally important that is, because it says And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete.

Since God tells us that we are to forgive others as we’ve been forgiven, forgiveness begins with us. So we have to acknowledge our sin before God, repent and stop doing it, do our best to make amends when possible and ACCEPT the mercy, grace and forgiveness Jesus died to give us. So it’s important to understand the difference between conviction and condemnation. God brings conviction so that we will recognize the error of our ways to lead us to repentance and CHANGE. But the devil brings condemnation to make us feel unworthy and hopeless, which causes us to get discouraged and to give up; just one more way he comes to steal, kill and destroy! So read Romans 8, and when thoughts of being victimized assail your mind, just speak out loud that you are a victor in Christ and not a victim; that you’re a joint heir with Jesus and when God is for you, who can be against you! And then read the awesome promises that await all of us from our loving Father when we repent and turn from our sin in Isaiah 55! What a beautiful portrait of restoration! So let’s turn from our wicked ways and evil thoughts and trust and obey the Lord as we rely on HIS grace and the power and promise of His Word and the work of the Holy Spirit to renew and transform our hearts, minds and spirits; so we can truly forgive our spouses and God can make our paths to full and complete marriage restoration straight (Proverbs 3:5-6)! And remember that from God’s perspective, the difference between unforgiveness and forgiveness is pride and humility and disobedience and obedience. So when we choose to forgive and to walk in humility and obedience, we will be blessed and encouraged beyond belief because we will see that restoration really does begin with forgiveness!

Posted Saturday, October 4th, 2008 at 1:23 pm in Seeds Of Faith.